


Stars Hung With String

by dallystrings



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Bitter Exes Reunion At A Wedding, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-16 13:53:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 41,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9274871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dallystrings/pseuds/dallystrings
Summary: Kylo stared across the packed room at the man who so effortlessly walked out of his life five years prior. They might have been stuck at the same wedding for a weekend, but that didn’t require interaction. He had no reason to feel anything but bitterness and resentment towards him.And yet.





	1. Cold Smoke

**Author's Note:**

> it took me about a year, but I finished this monstrosity. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy. Feel free to leave comments, I love feedback, or to message me on my tumblr: armisticehux.
> 
> also - if anyone is interested, the song that inspired the title (and much of the fic) is I Don't Feel It Anymore (Song of the Sparrow) by William Fitzsimmons. i have a whole playlist for each of my fics if anyone is ever interested in listening!

Light crept along the floor, highlighting the paint stained carpet further and further as the door creaked open. Kylo shifted from where he laid, an arm instinctively raising to cover his eyes. Turning slightly, he allowed his eyes to open tentatively as they adjusted to the harsh fluorescents.

Hux stood wavering in the doorway, one foot hesitantly in the apartment, and the other still in the hallway. Kylo lazily propped himself on his elbows, squinting at the man through the darkness. A trail of discarded clothing and empty bottles of paint laid a clear path between them, yet Hux made no attempt to step over them to cross the room.

“What are you doing?” Kylo yawned, bitterness lacing his voice, “Quit loitering in the hallway and get in the fucking apartment,”

Hux stared back blankly, unaffected by the obvious anger Kylo directed towards him. Kylo blinked once more, vaguely wondering if he was still asleep and dreaming. Any other night, Hux would have lit into him already. He rolled his eyes, throwing himself back onto the mattress and yanking the blanket up.

“Shut the goddamn door, Hux. I don’t have time to coddle your drunk ass tonight, I’m trying to sleep,” Kylo demanded, “I have things to do tomorrow-”

“Like what?” Hux shot back finally, “Sulk around the apartment until you work up the effort to splatter some paint on a canvas the same way you’ve done it a hundred times before? Ignore phone calls from your mother? Punch another hole in the wall?”

Kylo stared at him, watched the way Hux still left half of his body in the hallway. Raking his fingers through his hair, he tried to ignore the way the other man was staring at him as if waiting for a tantrum. He was exhausted, and the scene was too predictable.

Hux would antagonize him. Kylo would try to ignore it and remain calm. Hux would continue to push him. Kylo would lose his temper. They would fight. They would fuck. They would fall asleep on separate sides of the bed and pretend it was fine in the morning.

“Keep your voice down,” Kylo pleaded, “Do you want the neighbors calling the police again?”

Hux didn’t answer, just watched Kylo from where he stood. Despite being on different sides of the apartment, there could not have been more than twenty five feet between them. Perhaps, Kylo reasoned, it was the close quarters that had them constantly at one another’s neck. 

Not their incessant need to one up each other, to be the one with the last word in, the winner of a game that they shouldn’t play in the first place. Perhaps it was the lack of space, Kylo told himself once more, even though Hux had been coming home less and less in the last few weeks. That had to be it. 

“They called the police because of your screaming,” Hux hissed, snapping Kylo back into reality, “I have nothing to do with the noise complaints that have almost gotten us evicted four times-”

“For fuck’s sake,” Kylo shouted, drawing in a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself, “If you’d just listen to a goddamn thing I have to say for once-”

“That’s really something coming from you,” Hux laughed, and for the first time Kylo noticed the redness around his eyes. 

Instinctively, his body sat up a little more, like it was trying to pull him from the bed to Hux’s side. Kylo smothered the desire to run the pad of his thumb along the dark, sunken in bags beneath Hux’s eyes that shone like bruises against his pale skin.

“Hux,” Kylo rubbed the bridge of his nose, “I’m tired. Get inside,” 

Hux pulled his coat tighter around his shoulders, like it had suddenly grown colder. Instead of moving into the apartment, he shifted back slightly. Kylo covered his face with his hands, trying his hardest not to launch into yet another screaming match in the middle of the night. 

“I’m tired too,” Hux spoke up finally, voice flatter than usual. Kylo sensed the tension between them, and squeezed his eyes closed as he prepared himself for a night of arguing that would just end in the same cutting insults as always.

“It’s four in the morning,” he murmured from his spot on the bed, tugging back the blankets for Hux to climb in, as if some final plea, “Just come to bed. We’ll talk when it’s-” 

“I don’t love you anymore,” Hux announced, the words tumbling out quickly. It was as if he couldn’t hold them in a second longer.

Kylo’s head raised slightly from where he laid, still unable to open his eyes all the way from sleep. Hux was more jittery now, visibly trembling from where he stood in the doorway.

“Hux,” Kylo sighed, “I don’t want to fight with you tonight, can you just-”

“I’m done fighting,” Hux continued, the slight shake of his voice evening out with a sharp intake of air, “I don’t love you, and I’m not staying. I came to get my things, then I’m leaving for good,” 

“You don’t mean that,” Kylo narrowed his eyes, menacing gaze almost daring Hux to do anything besides go to bed.

Hux moved suddenly, swooping around the room to gather the things that he had tucked away neatly around the apartment. It was calculated, like he had made a list of everything he needed to procure ahead of time. Kylo realized, helplessly, that this wasn’t a spur of the moment decision.

“Would you slow down and just talk to me-” Kylo started, noticing the way Hux’s eyebrows crinkled in frustration until his gaze landed upon him.

“That’s my shirt,” he noted cooly, eyes drawn to the fabric clinging to Kylo’s body. 

Kylo looked down, realizing that he had in fact snagged one of Hux’s shirts from their shared drawers. It hadn’t been on purpose, the two of them had shared everything in their years living in the dingy studio apartment. Kylo hadn’t thought twice about it.

“Hux,” Kylo warned, making no effort to remove the clothing. Hux waited patiently, swaying only slightly from the alcohol he had ingested earlier that night. 

“Stop acting like a child and give me the shirt,” Hux demanded, eyes shifting around the room like he was counting down the seconds until he could leave.

Kylo searched the other man for an article of his own clothing, something to point out and level the playing field. They had worn at least one piece of each other’s clothes nearly every day for the last two years, perhaps even longer, yet Kylo could make out nothing adorning Hux’s body that belonged to him. 

He wondered, suddenly, how premeditated this plan truly was. Kylo felt something like a stab in his chest at the thought of Hux wanting to leave him midday sober. They had threatened to end it at four in the morning plenty of times, but always reevaluated by the morning to decide against it. 

Perhaps, this time was different.

Kylo sat up suddenly, tearing the shirt off in a mixture of anger and disgust, and threw it across the room. It landed at Hux’s feet, and he bent down effortlessly to swipe it up with the rest of his belongings. It was folded mid-air, and placed in the nearly overflowing duffel back resting on Hux’s shoulder. 

They stared at each other for a moment, neither one moving for what felt like ages. Finally, Hux turned away and looked slowly around the room a final time. Kylo couldn’t tell if he was searching for a belonging he missed, or trying to remember every detail of the home he was about to say goodbye to.

“For the record,” Kylo shattered the silence as Hux approached the door, “I don’t love you anymore either,” 

Hux paused, one foot across the threshold of the apartment. Kylo half believed that the words could be enough to draw them back into one final fight, an argument that would last them until morning when Hux could sober up and reassess his decision. Hux kept his back to Kylo, and after a beat he took the final step to exit the apartment fully. 

“I know,” he answered finally.

The door closed gently behind him, and Kylo fell asleep as the gentle light of dawn washed through half drawn curtains.


	2. Colder Throats

Kylo’s hands turned the pale cardstock over in his hands. Faintly, he registered the scent of lavender drifting up from the paper. The jutting text bumped along his fingertips, tangible proof of the words he could barely make out through bleary eyes.

Save the Date! The loopy lettering read out, and Kylo faintly noticed the tell-tale sign of Poe’s signature curved exclamation point. Leave it to Dameron to write out every wedding invitation by hand, in calligraphy so perfect Kylo assumed it was printed. 

The phone in his hand nearly vibrated from the excited rambling on the other end, and Kylo realized it had been a fair amount of time since he spoke last. Clenching the card a little tighter, he shifted his gaze to the kitchen sink.

“I’m really so happy for you guys,” Kylo repeated for the third time into the phone, and Finn’s sparkling laughter drifted back into his ear.

“So you’ve said,” Poe agreed, something playful in his voice.

Kylo felt his cheeks heat up, trying desperately to recall the previous events of the conversation. Poe had called him, asking some mundane question about the next exhibition at his art gallery, joking about Kylo finally getting his own work up there. From there, the conversation shifted to Finn and Poe’s new house, but Kylo found that portion to be blurry.

“Am I on speaker?” Kylo demanded, huffing as he dropped the card onto his kitchen counter and turned around so that his back was pressed against it.

“What?” Poe asked distractedly, “No- baby, it’s a left turn up here, you’re in the wrong lane, use your turn signal Finn, for god’s sake-”

Kylo amusedly listened to the sound of tires screeching, followed by Poe’s quickening breath and an array of half sincere compliments. Finn’s voice was garbled, and Kylo gave up on trying to make out his words. 

“Is Finn driving? When did that start happening?” Kylo quirked an eyebrow, running a hand through his tangled hair in an attempt to tuck it behind his ear.

“Is he what?” Poe repeated, “Driving! Oh, yes, Finn is driving. He got his permit last week, I’m teaching him as an engagement gift,”

“And you thought this would be a good time to give old Kylo a call,” Kylo snorted, fumbling with the ring adorning his middle finger.

It had belonged to his father. For some reason, he gave it to Kylo before he left for school. Kylo never asked about it, but kept it on nevertheless. It made for something to fiddle with when his nerves acted up.

“It’s more for my sake than yours. Finn is really spiking my anxiety with his driving, and you’re just such a calming presence, Kylie,” Poe laughed, and Kylo heard the expected thwack of the back of Finn’s hand against the passenger’s arm. 

Kylo rolled his eyes, already feeling ill from the positivity and adoration the two had for each other that he could feel from just a five minute phone call. It was one of the reasons he could rarely make it through anything more than a few hours with the two of them: they were sickeningly in love.

Distractedly, he picked the invitation up once more and ran his fingers along it. The date was about a month away, certainly a rushed event. However, Kylo noted to himself, Poe and Finn had a way of rushing everything.

“Ky?” Poe prodded, voice softer and Kylo snapped out of his trance.

“Sorry,” he swallowed thickly, setting the card down gently once more and averting his gaze from it, “What were you saying?”

“You got our Save the Date,” Poe stated, and Kylo hated how well his childhood friend could read him. It was like nothing could be kept secret from Poe Dameron. 

“Ask him… the… ‘ea?” Finn’s broken voice came excitedly in patches, and Kylo struggled to make out the question.

“Finn wants to know if the handwritten calligraphy was a good idea,” Poe scoffed, like he couldn’t believe the other man had the nerve to ask the question.

“I assumed it was printed when I first saw it,” Kylo replied earnestly, trying his hardest to sound cheery and excited.

The two emotions, however, were some of the most difficult for Kylo to pull off. Fake anger was no problem, as Kylo was secretly stifling rage practically his whole life. It didn’t take much to irritate him, or even send him into a spiraling pit of self loathing. Cheeriness was the emotion he hadn’t quite mastered, no matter how many times he tried.

“Isn’t it customary to send save the dates six months before a wedding?” Kylo asked curiously, “Especially a destination wedding lasting an entire goddamn weekend,”

“Kylo. When have Finn and I ever played by the rules?” Poe asked cooly, and Kylo rolled his eyes.

“So I have a month’s notice to get time of work, book a plane ticket to Ireland, and get a decent gift together for the two of you?” Kylo griped.

“Don’t forget you also have to plan the bachelor party,” Poe quipped cheerily, and Kylo clenched his fists.

“You’re joking, Dameron,” he cried out, “That’s the job of the best man, not-”

“Did… not ask…?” Finn shouted from his spot in the driver’s seat, and Poe laughed easily like they were trading childhood stories over dinner. 

“Right, Kylo, I might have forgotten to mention, but you’re my best man,” Poe announced casually, “Which also means you need to come out for four days, instead of just the two listed on the card,”

Kylo’s grip on the counter tightened, and he squeezed his eyes closed tightly. Out of every possible path his day could have taken, he did not expect it to end up this way. A part of him had spent the morning considering excuses to get out of going to the wedding in the first place, not like it should have been hard with a month’s notice for a weekend abroad.

“Do I have no say in the matter?” Kylo asked helplessly.

“Nope!” Poe cheered, “You already agreed six or seven years ago, remember? Back in college when I saved your poor ass after you participated in almost a dozen keg stands within two hours-”

“Christ,” Kylo shook his head, “Yeah, fine, take my drunken ramblings as legitimate promises,”

“I will,” Poe laughed, his smile audible through the phone. 

Kylo, of course, should have expected the trickery. Poe knew him too well, knew that Kylo would do just about anything to get out of this weekend. Now, he wasn’t even able to show up for the sole night of the wedding, he was expected to spend the entire long weekend by Poe’s side.

“You’re a piece of shit fucking friend,” Kylo admitted sullenly. 

“Kylo, you’re overreacting. You could use a break, when was the last time you took a vacation?” Poe protested. 

“Being the best man at a poorly planned wedding is far from a vacation,” Kylo pointed out.

“Poorly planned?” Poe quipped, “Who says we’re-”

“I know you,” Kylo reminded him, “Finn is the only shot at a saving grace for this production you have, and I guarantee you’ve spent the majority of your time convincing him to ‘have fun now, and plan later’,” 

For the first time, Poe had no witty comeback. While Kylo could have assumed it was because he was correct in saying they had no real plans besides the date, something in him shifted. It was unlike Poe not to battle it out until Kylo resigned and took back his, usually correct, accusation.

“Poe?” Kylo narrowed his eyes slowly.

“I’m so happy you’re coming, Kylo! Especially for the whole-” Poe started, somewhat panicked.

“Just tell me the bad news,” Kylo pinched the bridge of his nose, checking his watch briefly.

He was expected back at the art gallery within the hour to help design the next exhibition, and if Poe kept beating around the bush there was no way he would make it. He had a way of drawing everything out until Kylo was too tired to care anymore.

“It’s not bad news,” Poe spoke softly, “I just don’t know how you’ll-”

“He’s coming, isn’t he?” Kylo blinked, the words dripping out of his mouth like venom. “Hux is going to be at your wedding,”

After all this time, he still could barely get through saying Hux’s name without dry heaving. Five years later, and Poe still felt the need to coddle him over his ex-boyfriend. Roommate with benefits. Whatever they were. 

“He RSVP’ed yesterday,” Poe admitted softly, “Sent an e-mail in case his invitation didn’t arrive quickly,”

“Of course,” Kylo breathed out, the twist in his heart all too familiar.

“His invitation arrived this morning. Priority mail,” Poe continued, and Kylo wanted to scream for him to stop. 

It was one thing to mention Hux, it was another to hear that he was so obviously still the man Kylo knew all that time ago. Next, Poe would be discussing the color coded schedule Hux had drawn up for the weekend in the five minute break he had between meetings. 

The invitation sitting next to him shimmered under the sunlight of the kitchen window, like something out of a fairytale. Kylo wanted nothing more than to hang up the phone, rip up the invitation, and pretend that everything was completely and totally fine. 

“There’s something else,” Poe spoke up quietly, worry lacing his voice.

Kylo didn’t answer, just stared straight ahead out into the city below. If he squinted, he could make out the building where he used to live with Hux. Taking a step forward, he yanked the dark curtain closed and tore his eyes away from the window.

“Hux is our wedding planner,” Poe admitted, “So he’ll be there the whole time too, but it’s not-”

Kylo tuned out the sound of Poe’s voice. On the other end, he was desperately explaining himself and the situation. It all happened so fast. He happened to be hanging out in a bar they visited after a long day of unsuccessfully planning the wedding. Hux offered to help out as retribution for missing their engagement party. 

“-had to see him again at some point, Kylo,” Poe finished, somewhat defensively, but mostly anxious. 

Kylo remembered every morning he woke up beside Hux, every kiss they shared, every laugh and smile and secret glance. After five years, those memories hadn’t blurred. Not in the slightest. After five years, he could still reach out in the middle of the night and expect his hand to land in a mess of red hair. 

“You’re right, it’s been five years,” Kylo replied, “I’ve been putting this off long enough,”

Poe paused on the other end of the line, and Kylo noticed faintly that there was no longer the background noise of a car driving. Instead, it was completely silent. He wondered when they had stopped, whether or not Finn was listening to his voice that threatened to break with every breath, how he could possibly convince them that he wasn’t still a wreck.

“I didn’t love him when we ended things, and I feel nothing for him now,” Kylo stated slowly, “It’s just four days with him. What could go wrong?” 

-

The plane landed with a jerk, and Kylo gripped onto the armrest so tightly his hand hurt. The elderly woman sat beside him, Doris she said her name was, looked on curiously. Kylo kept his eyes focused out the window and at the rolling expanse of green.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” a static ridden voice that Kylo recognized as the pilot announced suddenly, “Welcome to Shannon Airport,”

Scattered applause littered the cabin, and Kylo almost groaned at the sound. More than anything, he just wanted to get out of his cramped seat and out into fresh air. From beside him, Doris stared daggers until Kylo finally lifted his hands to clap quietly. 

The woman, seemingly pleased, began to rise to move out into the aisle. Kylo let out a tentative sigh, and tugged on his hair as he waited for the rest of the passengers to collect their belongings and clear the walkway. After nearly ten minutes, he finally rose to snag his carry on from the overhead compartment. 

The half tattered bookbag was slung around his shoulders, and Kylo breathed a sigh of relief as he moved from the middle of the plane to the front. The stewardess with a smile so large it seemed painted on waved goodbye, and Kylo simply nodded sleepily as he stepped off the plane. 

The airport, unfortunately, was not much of a reliever of his anxiety. Kylo rubbed his eyes and carefully planned his steps so that he wouldn’t collide into the bustling crowd. People swirled around him, moving as quickly as humanly possible to either catch a flight or travel to baggage claim. 

His eyes scanned the signs from above, trying to piece together where exactly he was supposed to go. Flying wasn’t Kylo’s favorite activity, had he been able to drive across the ocean he most likely would have. The journey left him disoriented and on edge, and he somehow managed to navigate his way to baggage claim without screaming. 

Kylo desperately desired just a breath of fresh air, something that would soothe him after the nearly seven hour flight. However, the crowd surrounding him did not seem enthusiastic in giving him what he wanted. Instead, they stopped directly in front of him, cut him off, knocked into him, and left him more unhinged than before.

By the time Kylo retrieved his bag, he was ready to curl up and fall asleep on the floor of the airport. It might have looked dirty, but he had certainly slept in worse. Before he could drop down and curl up with his heavy duffel back, he caught the eye of a familiar face from across the room.

Upon seeing him, Rey’s face broke into a wide smile. She jumped up and down, waving her arm like he hadn’t noticed her already. Kylo waved back shyly, ignoring the eyes that landed on him. Rey weaved her way effortlessly through the pockets of people waiting for their bags, and launched herself to latch her arms around Kylo’s neck.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” she cried out cheerily, “It’s so nice to see you,” 

“Rey,” Kylo smiled gently, patting her back, “I saw you last month,”

“A month is too long,” Rey announced, tucking a fallen strand of hair behind her ear. 

She held out her hand expectantly, and Kylo confusedly went to take it. Rey snorted, smacking his hand away from her and instead grabbing the luggage resting on his forearm. Kylo furrowed his eyebrows, opening his mouth to protest before she waved him off.

“You look about on the verge of death,” she taunted, “So how about we focus on getting you into the car? Then you can have your bag back,”

“Exactly what I wanted,” Kylo whispered softly, some genuinity in his voice. 

Rey looked at him sympathetically, and Kylo just sighed. The weekend was likely to be filled with pitiful glances like that, even though Kylo had assured everyone for years that he was fine. More than fine, even. Thankfully, Rey said nothing more and simply led him through the baggage claim to where the car was idling outside.

“Ren!” Finn waved excitedly from his spot in the passenger’s seat.

Kylo waved back, only to realize that Finn was, in fact, behind the wheel. He looked to Rey in a panic, and she simply shrugged as she tossed his bag into the trunk.

“Finn,” Kylo cleared his throat, “Driving again, I see,”

“I hope you weren’t listening to Poe!” Finn shook his head with a smile, “I’m really a great driver, right, Rey?”

Rey glanced between the two of them, a stoic look on her face. It could be hard to decipher her feelings at times, it was always where she and Kylo differed. He wore his heart on his sleeve for the most part, and worked his hardest to have a fraction of his emotions somewhat hidden. Rey didn’t even need to try.

“We didn’t die on the way here,” Rey nodded, content with her answer.

“See!” Finn threw his hands up, “Great driver,” 

Kylo blamed it on the jetlag, but when Rey hopped into the passenger seat and gestured to the back door, he climbed in without another word. The backpack resting on his shoulders was pulled off, and set on the seat next to him.

“I’m tired,” Kylo announced, and Rey snickered from the front.

“No shit,” she shook her head, “You look like a corpse,” 

“You two had better not bicker the entire time,” Finn warned, pulling out into the street. Kylo dug his fingers into the leather of the seat, “And watch your language, Rey! It’s a family event,” 

“Don’t worry,” Kylo yawned, “Once she starts downing champagne it’ll be all smiles, and her words will be so slurred you won’t be able to tell she’s cursing,” 

Rey spun around and flicked Kylo in the knee. He lazily kicked at her, but settled back into his seat after missing the first time. His head lolled to the side, and he let out a slow sigh. 

“Aw, Finn, look at our little baby all snuggled up in the back seat,” Rey cooed, wiggling a finger in Kylo’s direction.

Kylo considered flipping her off, but settled instead to let his eyes fall shut. They had a forty five minute ride from the airport to Uncle Luke’s place, why not catch up on the sleep he couldn’t get during his overnight flight? 

From the front seat, he could hear Rey barking out driving directions to Finn. At nineteen, she was already more confident than Kylo could ever hope to be. He remembered how different she was when they first met, when she wanted nothing to do with anyone except Finn. 

Finn laughed back, keeping the car under surprising control. He had changed as well, from a kid that blamed the world for everything negative, to a man that found beauty in everything around him. Kylo made a mental note to include how proud he was of his friend in his best man’s speech before their words became muffled and he stopped listening altogether. 

When the car stopped moving, Kylo’s head dropped down. He groaned, and tried to find the position he had been in earlier. After a few minutes of sleepily shuffling and straining against the seatbelt, he felt a warm hand on his cheek.

“Buddy? Kylo, hey, wake up,” a warbled voice beckoned, and Kylo lifted his head.

His bleary eyes opened, and he looked around the dark interior of the car. From outside, the gray skies created a dreary setting that made him want to curl up once more and go back to bed. 

“There you go, come on, let’s get you inside,” Poe smiled from beside him, waiting in the open door of the car with arms outstretched.

Kylo huffed, blindly reaching to undo his seatbelt. The bag from beside him had already been removed, and he looked around dazedly. Poe waited patiently, like he was helping a child, and Kylo finally managed to pull himself out of the car.

“Rey?” he asked sleepily, and Poe just laughed as he pulled the man in for a hug.

“Inside. Finn too,” Poe slung an arm around Kylo’s shoulder and led him down the driveway, “He managed to get you all back in one piece,” 

Kylo managed a little laugh, but quickly reverted back to nearly falling asleep on his feet. It had been a long time since he traveled this far out of his usual timezone, and he struggled to adapt to the feeling. It should still be the middle of the night, he reasoned, he should be asleep. 

They approached Luke’s property, and Kylo smiled gently. It had been years since he visited his Uncle’s Ireland home, since before Rey left for college, but it was just as beautiful as ever. The old castle-converted-home stood beautifully at the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean, and Kylo could faintly make out the crashing of the waves from farther on. 

“How does a little nap sound?” Poe asked gently, and Kylo could only hum appreciatively in response. 

“Should I… you know,” Kylo started, waving his hands in some attempt to replace the words he couldn’t find.

Should he say hello to everyone? Should he launch into celebration with his best friends over their rapid engagement? Should he find his Uncle Luke, reminisce about the last time he visited, lie through his teeth about the wellbeing of his parents’ mental health? Kylo wasn’t sure what the protocol was, but he felt a nap wasn’t the best first step to take.

“Just get some rest,” Poe urged gently, “No one likes a grouchy Kylo, after all,” 

Kylo snickered, letting his head roll slightly to rest atop Poe’s. They’d been friends for nearly thirty years now, and even if they didn’t spend as much time together Kylo still felt more than comfortable around the other man. 

His eyes remained open just enough so that he could see where he was going, and it wasn’t long before Poe was dumping Kylo on a perfectly made bed covered almost completely in pillows. Kylo sank into the fluff, smiling dazedly as a heavy knit blanket was draped across his body.

“Just an hour or two,” Poe warned, “I’ll send Rey in to wake you up if you’re late,”

Kylo sighed at the threat, knowing the girl would most likely come bounding in with a bucket of water or blaring siren. He nodded sleepily, and could barely register Poe gently patting his head before he was fast asleep. 

There Kylo laid for nearly two hours, snoring loudly and drooling into the lacy pillows. He had never been the most elegant sleeper, which he predicted was the reason they had given him a room at the opposite end of the home from everyone else. 

When he finally stirred, the midday sun was nearly blinding. Kylo huffed, tugging the blanket up to cover his eyes in an attempt to go back to bed. After five or so minutes of tossing and turning, he gave up. Checking the clock, he realized he would be awake if he were back home. He only hoped the nap was enough to give him enough energy to make it through the rest of the day.

Kylo pulled himself from the bed, shivering slightly as his skin was exposed to the cool air. He looked longingly towards the nest of pillows and blankets, but resigned to doing his job as Poe’s best man and socializing with the rest of the wedding party. 

His hair was curly from having pulled it back into a bun for the majority of his flight, falling in sharp waves along his neck and to his shoulders. The red of his eyes from sleep had not yet worn away, and his cheeks were stained a bright pink from overheating while he napped. 

Kylo stretched his arms behind his back as he moved to the door, not bothering to redo his button up shirt past his mid-chest, where it had somehow come undone to. The sleeves were rolled up to just below his elbows, and he ran a finger along the red indents left on his arms from it. 

From the kitchen, he heard the sound of voices. Still too tired to make out the words, he was nearly positive he heard Finn’s bright laughter and decided to follow the noise. The closer he got, the more heightened the buzz of the room was.

Kylo padded into the room quietly, his bare feet sticking slightly to the tile. They were crowded around the dining hall table, but Kylo could clearly see Rey perched in a seat through the archway separating the rooms. 

She hadn’t noticed him yet, too entranced in whatever conversation was happening. Kylo snagged a beer from the fridge, figuring that day drinking was acceptable when abroad for a wedding, and shuffled out of the kitchen towards the rest.

“-just love the colors, I really think it’ll go so well with Poe’s eyes, y’know?” Finn beamed, and Kylo yawned as he leaned against the wall looking in.

“What shade of purple we talking, Finn?” Kylo teased lightly, and all at once the chatter stopped.

Kylo opened his mouth to apologize and explain it was just a joke, until he realized why they were looking at him so fearfully. Sitting at the end of the table, almost tucked away behind Poe and Finn, was Hux. 

His eyes were cast down at a thick white binder, and Kylo noticed the planning materials spread out along the table. As expected, he was dressed to the nines in a dark blue suit. His hair was longer than Kylo had ever seen it, but combed back so that it didn’t fall in his face. Kylo could have laughed at the beard adorning his face, something he never would have expected from the other man. 

It was like seeing a ghost. No amount of mental preparation, of chanting into the mirror that he was going to be fine, of promising himself that every old feeling had flickered out years ago could take away the feeling of being punched in the guy. Kylo forgot how to breathe.

The silence was tense, awkward even, and Kylo waited for Hux to just look at him. He didn’t. His eyes were kept on the phone in his hands, fingers tapping at an impossible speed against the glass. Kylo, on the other hand, couldn’t pull his eyes away. 

“What a shame,” Rey spoke up, voice jarring, “I was really looking forward to waking you up,”

Kylo licked his lips, restraining himself from drinking the rest of his beer in one go in some attempt to calm his nerves. He knew how that would look. He knew what they were all expecting from him, how they were watching and waiting for him to crack.

Instead, Kylo broke out into a wide grin and slid into the seat beside Rey, reaching over to mess with her hair. She swatted his hand away, flipping him off as soon as he pulled away. Rey looked at him, concern obvious in her gaze, and he nodded slightly as some sign that he was fine. 

“What route were you considering?” Kylo inquired curiously.

“My clarinet from middle school is tucked away somewhere,” Rey beamed, “I was going to wake you with a beautiful concert,”

“Dick move. Thankfully you’ll have plenty of opportunities the next few days,” Kylo promised her, raising the beer to his lips.

The tension surrounding him had seemingly deflated, but Kylo noticed the way Poe and Finn watched him. Their eyes flickered from Kylo to Hux, like they were expecting one of them to crack at any moment. Kylo resolved that he wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

“Day drinking already,” Rey snorted, “You just woke up,”

“The last time I day drank,” Kylo reminded her pensively, “Was when you challenged me to seven rounds of flip cup, then ended up pu-”

Rey laughed loudly, head tilting back at the memory. Poe snickered as well, having been just sober enough at that point to pull out his phone and take pictures of he and Kylo squished together with Rey vomiting into the grass behind them.

“Seven rounds really is a pathetic point to wimp out on,” Finn noted sympathetically.

Kylo glanced in his direction, nodding in agreement, and tried to ignore the man sitting next to him. Hux had remained quiet the entire time, tapping away at his phone while Poe and Finn flipped through the binder dreamily. 

All at once, Hux locked his phone and set it on the table, sitting up straighter and clearing his throat. Kylo looked back to Rey, hoping desperately that his already tinted cheeks would not grow redder throughout the interaction. 

“Right,” Hux leaned forward, “Sorry about that, the office is utterly unable to function without me there cleaning up the mess,”

The sound of his voice winded Kylo. He wanted to roll his eyes at the pretentiousness, if only to convince himself that his heart didn’t flutter at the sound. Suddenly, every word that he had tried so hard to push from his mind came back in Hux’s lilted voice.

Kylo kept his eyes focused securely on the dark bottle in his hands. It could only get easier, he promised himself, this initial meeting was going to be the worst of it. 

They were adults now, real adults with jobs and homes and responsibilities. Not kids drunkenly fighting over insignificant details in their sad excuse of an apartment, claiming to love each other because they slept together regularly. 

Kylo was going to prove that he had grown up, that he could make it through four days of brief interactions with a man he hadn’t seen in five years. It wasn’t to rub it in Hux’s face, he promised himself, to show him how wrong he had been about Kylo remaining petty and childish until the day he died.

No, this was about being the perfect best man for his best friend, and enjoying a wedding in one of his favorite places in the world. Kylo took a heavy swig of the beer and vowed to himself that this was the low point. It would be all uphill from here.

Around him, the conversation had picked up once more about floral arrangements and what time the caterer would arrive the day of the wedding. Kylo tapped his fingers daintily against the glass of the bottle until Rey reached out to pinch his arm. 

“This is boring,” she mouthed, and Kylo snorted.

Three sets of eyes from across the table fell upon him, but Kylo just pretended to cough into his elbow. Rey hid her laughter in her hand and kicked him under the table. 

“Dear god,” Finn sighed, “We picked the worst bridal party we could have, didn’t we?”

Rey feigned surprise, a hand resting on her chest as her jaw dropped. Kylo hid his face in his hands, chest shaking with laughter. Sleep deprivation had a way of making him laugh at almost anything, and this was apparently no exception.

“We have planning of our own to do,” Rey shot back, “Very important party planning that’s going to blow your wedding out of the fucking water. Kylo and I have at least thirty two strippers to call back, so if you would excuse us-”

Kylo lost it at that, trembling as he broke into a fit of laughter. Rey looked pleased with herself, patting him on the back and shaking her head in Finn’s direction.

“Look what you’ve done,” she accused, “Made him cry! You know how emotional he can be. Our poor, sensitive artist,” 

Kylo wasn’t sure if it was the overwhelming anxiety that had been building up until that moment, or the utter anticlimactic moment of finally seeing Hux, but he could barely catch his breath from laughing. Rey popped out of her chair, dragging Kylo from his as she flipped the rest off. 

“I’m sorry,” Kylo apologized through bursts of laughter, “I haven’t slept in about four days so I’m-”

Kylo’s head tilted back with laughter again, and Rey easily leapt onto his back. She hooked her legs around his waist, yanking his hair as she attempted to direct him out of the room.

“It’s like Ratatouille,” Kylo wheezed, staggering forward into the kitchen.

He turned back to wave goodbye to the room, blowing a kiss to Poe as Rey continued to yank on his hair. In the last second before he walked off, Hux finally looked at him. Their eyes met for only a second or two, both glancing away as quickly as possible. But Kylo felt the familiar leap in his chest, and his booming laughter cut away to reveal a hitch in his breath.

Moving as quickly as possible, Kylo carried Rey on his back to the living room. Dumping her on the couch, he collapsed into the cushions and struggled to regulate his breathing. Rey had already launched into a description of her perfect bachelor party, pulling up photos on her phone to shove in Kylo’s face. 

He played along, laughing when the moment called for it and offering up a few ideas of his own. However, Kylo’s focus was far from his duties as a best man. Instead, he ran through the color of Hux’s eyes, how his hair shone in the midday sun, the ever present flush of his cheeks, how much he had changed yet stayed the same. 

Perhaps, he realized, this wasn’t going to be as easy as he thought.


	3. Darkness Falling

Kylo stood, the bottle of his beer pressed firmly to his lips, leaning carefully against the living room wall. Since he had woken from his nap, the house began to accumulate more and more people in the wedding party. 

First, Phasma came bounding through the doors with two massive St. Bernard puppies. She claimed she couldn’t bear to leave them at home, but Finn and Poe didn’t seem to mind. 

Then, Luke descended the stairs and swept dramatically into the kitchen. Kylo wondered how it was possible for such a kind and jovial man to look so mysterious. 

The house filled quickly after that, with family and friends filling every available space in the soon crowded living area. No matter where Kylo turned, there was someone new to greet. 

By the evening, they milled all around him, catching up excitedly and sharing nostalgic stories with some of the younger guests. It was loud, despite no more than a dozen guests having arrived so early, and Kylo found that he needed a break after a mere hour of the dinner party.

He let his eyes land on Leia, who was encircled by Rey and Finn eagerly listening to one of her famous Senate stories. Her hands waved wildly, and Kylo unknowingly smiled softly to himself at the predictable dramatic gesticulation.

Rey and Finn were entranced, practically keeling over from laughter, and in their distraction Kylo saw the sadness in his mother’s eyes. She looked towards the door, as if expecting someone to march through, and Kylo clenched his fists.

Han hadn’t come with her. The last Kylo heard, they were working things out. Yet again, it hadn’t been much more than two months earlier that Han had moved out “for good this time,” Leia promised him. It seemed the scale had shifted once more since they last spoke, as it always did.

Before Kylo could march over and tell his mother to stop being so hung up on a man that probably wasn’t thinking twice about her, or any of them for that matter, he heard the soft thud of another body resting against the wall a few feet down.

Kylo expected Poe, coming over to talk him into resuming his mingling and stop getting so hung up on Han, to enjoy the party. Poe had never understood the tension, had only seen the charismatic side of Kylo’s father that everyone adored. 

He sighed, standing up slightly and preparing himself for a lecture before his head turned to the right. The last thing he expected was Hux, sipping greedily on his wine pressed up against the wall beside him. 

Kylo swallowed thickly, turning back to face the crowd that hadn’t changed much since his last glance. Poe was spotted across the way, strumming at a guitar while Finn watched on dreamily. 

“Christ,” Kylo muttered under his breath. Poe had been infamous throughout their lives for his dramatic renditions of Latin love songs, and they had only gotten worse since he fell for Finn.

From beside him, he heard a slight chuckle. It cut off quickly, as if surprised to have come in the first place. Kylo’s grip on his beer tightened slightly, like he was desperate for something to hold onto. 

For a moment, neither one of them spoke. The gentle sound of Poe’s guitar filled the room, accompanied by his soft voice. Acoustic music had never really been Kylo’s favorite, he appreciated a heavy bass that he could feel in his chest.

And Hux. Kylo remembered Hux rarely listened to anything besides classical music, the boring stuff. But, if you got him just drunk enough, and if he trusted you, Hux could burst into a perfect rendition of almost any bubblegum pop song playing through the radio.

Kylo felt an ache in his chest at the thought of never hearing it again. 

“Poe,” Kylo called out suddenly, “Didn’t you say you wanted to play that Meatloaf song first,”

Poe lit up, pointing to him excitedly. The mood changed almost immediately as he launched into a rendition of one of his favorite classic rock songs, with the rest of the room excitedly singing along. Kylo let out a sigh of relief, unsure how he would have been able to stay awake in the previous setting. 

“Nice work,” the lilted voice from beside him came suddenly, and Kylo’s heart dropped in his chest. 

Internally, he ran over every possible thing that he could say. He had been thinking about this interaction for five years, trying to decide on the perfect way to talk to Hux. It had to seem like he was completely unaffected, like Hux was any other person in the room.

“Thank,” Kylo nodded curtly, and alarms went off in his head.

Kylo dared let himself look at Hux, expecting to see that familiar expression of triumph on the other man’s face. However, he was as stoic as ever, staring straight ahead at Poe and Finn. Kylo hoped the word hadn’t sounded as choked as it felt, and that Hux wasn’t paying close enough attention to hear his mistake.

The next few minutes passed slowly, with Kylo waiting on edge for another word from Hux. This time, he promised himself, he would be ready. He would redeem himself through casual conversation at his best friend’s wedding, and prove to everyone that he wasn’t still hung up on the red headed man beside him. 

“Before we start this next one,” Poe cheered happily, “I just wanted to thank Phasma for the guitar. No matter what Rey says, it’s a very useful engagement gift,”

Rey launched into a speech of defense, and Phasma stared at her accusatorily. Poe took off into more classic rock without further introduction, and Kylo pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to calculate the exact amount of time before his flight home. 

“Leave it to Phasma,” Hux said under his breath, more to himself than to Kylo.

“I’ll bet you anything the actual wedding gift is something louder,” Kylo offered, eliciting a slight smile from the other man.

“I wouldn’t put it past her,” he retorted, eyes still straight ahead. 

Kylo wondered if Hux had looked at him more than once since he first arrived. It seemed like he was going out of his way to avoid it even, like looking at Kylo was the last thing he wanted. Kylo, on the other hand, couldn’t pull his eyes away.

No matter how hard he tried, he found his gaze constantly flickering towards Hux. Over and over again, he caught himself staring without meaning to. It wasn’t intentional, Hux just had something magnetic about him. Kylo blamed the hair. 

“Aren’t you supposed to give microwaves for weddings?” Kylo hummed.

“You’re talking about the woman that showed up with two puppies she adopted on the way to the airport,” Hux pointed out, “When has she ever been conventional,”

“I suppose you’re right,” Kylo skipped a beat, “As always,”

Hux snickered at that, shaking his head while he tapped against his wine glass. Kylo’s tone had been venomless, but he wondered if the words read that way. It was too difficult to tell with Hux, he had a habit of hiding his feelings around those he didn’t trust.

Kylo felt winded for a moment. For those he didn’t trust. There was a time when he trusted Kylo more than anyone in the world, shared every emotion he had with him, held nothing back. And now, here they were. Pretending like everything was normal and fine.

It was fine, Kylo reminded himself. Perhaps, not normal. But this was fine. He had been fine for years, this weekend wasn’t about to break down those carefully built walls he had spent sleepless nights and lonely afternoons cultivating. 

“So, wedding planner, huh?” Kylo cleared his throat slightly, “How has that been?”

Hux didn’t answer him at first, just stared into his glass of wine pensively. Kylo reworked the conversation through his head, trying to determine how his Hux would be feeling at this point. The man in front of him, however, was too difficult to read.

“You hate small talk,” Hux answered finally, voice flat. 

I don’t hate you, Kylo wanted to say, and the words sat at the tip of his tongue. He was afraid to open his mouth, as if they might come tumbling out without his permission. Instead, he swallowed past the lump in his throat and took another sip of his drink.

“And you used to hate cats,” Kylo quipped, “Funny how five years can change people,”

Kylo kept his eyes straight ahead, but from his peripheral vision he noticed Hux’s head snap over in his direction. More than anything, he wanted to see the look on his face. Instead, he held his resolve and watched the way Poe’s fingers moved along the guitar strings.

“Apparently so,” Hux maintained, “I had never taken you for a stalker,” 

Kylo snorted, rolling his eyes as he finished off the last of his drink. The pit in his stomach had grown tighter, and he felt the familiar heat rush to his face. He hated himself for letting Hux get to him so easily, in a way that no one else was quite able to do.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Kylo replied hotly.

“Oh don’t worry,” Hux smiled sarcastically, “You’re less than flattering,” 

“I just didn’t want you to get confused,” Kylo shot out through gritted teeth, “I can’t imagine you experience flattery very often,”

“Keep trying,” Hux hummed, “You’ll land one soon enough,”

Kylo huffed, doing his best not to explode. It was even harder seeing how completely unaffected Hux was, how he could shoot back a cutting retort with almost no effort at all. 

Hux seemed pleased enough with himself, sipping the last of his wine until the glass was empty. Glancing between them, he noticed the bottle in Kylo’s hands that was being gripped just a little too tightly. 

“Can I get you another drink?” Hux asked pleasantly, and Kylo could feel the cockiness in his voice, “I’m headed to the kitchen anyways,”

“That would be wonderful,” Kylo grimaced, “I’ll need another beer if I’m going to survive interacting with you,”

Hux laughed bitterly, reaching out to take the bottle from Kylo. Their hands brushed, if only for a second, and Kylo’s memory was flooded with the feeling of Hux’s fingertips trailing along his body. It sent a shock to his heart, and he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans as quickly as he could.

“Acting out for attention,” Hux clicked his tongue, “Perhaps you haven’t changed at all, Kylo,” 

“Your attention is hardly something I’d go out of my way to gain,” Kylo shot back, though his voice faltered slightly. Hux didn’t seem to notice. 

He walked away, his wine glass in one hand and Kylo’s beer bottle in the other. As he weaved through the crowd, he smiled to those he passed. It was fake. Kylo could tell. There was no crinkling at the side of his eyes, no slight tilt of his mouth towards the left. That was how he could tell Hux was truly smiling, not faking it to keep up with appearances.

Kylo stared across the packed room at the man who so effortlessly walked out of his life five years prior. They might have been stuck at the same wedding for a weekend, but that didn’t require interaction. He had no reason to feel anything but bitterness and resentment towards him. And yet.

When Hux returned, he handed Kylo a brand of beer he hated. There was something in his look, like he was waiting for Kylo to explode. It reminded him of years before, when they would piss each other off for the fun of it.

“Thank you,” Kylo spoke quietly, raising the bottle to his lips.

It tasted awful, just like it always had, but he didn’t make a fuss. Hux, no matter how he tried, wasn’t going to revert Kylo to the insecure, angry mess he had been five years prior. He had grown since then, had become a real adult and not the child-playing-pretend he used to be. 

Maybe Hux hadn’t changed afterall. Maybe, he was still the cunning and conniving man that had always tried his best to get under Kylo’s skin because he couldn’t handle his own feelings. What they had, Kylo romanticized. 

But this weekend, he thought, this weekend would be the perfect opportunity to close the door between them once and for all. To stop Kylo from wondering whether or not it was a mistake to just let Hux walk out of his life. 

“Kylo,” Hux murmured, and Kylo felt his heart nearly beat out of his chest at that voice whispering his name, “I was just teasing,”

Kylo turned to him, saw the beer he preferred being held out in his direction. Hux shrugged shyly, seemingly insecure for a beat before his normally emotionless expression returned. Kylo took the bottle from him gently, and Hux hurriedly snagged the bad beer and set it on a nearby end table. 

“I’ll throw it away later,” Hux assured him with a wave of his hand, “That or Phasma will drift by and down the whole thing in one go,”

Hux laughed awkwardly, and quickly cut himself off at the sound of it. For the first time, Kylo realized that Hux migt have been just as on edge about their reunion as he was. It didn’t make him feel better, but it did twist something in his chest. 

“Right,” Kylo nodded slowly, “Thanks,” 

Neither one of them spoke again, just sipped their drinks in silence leaning against the wall. The distance between them remained the same, even after Hux came back from the kitchen. They were just far enough apart that if they reached out to touch one another, there would still be an inch or so of space between them.

After some time, Kylo was yanked into a dance circle with Rey, who had drank her weight in wine up until that point. He laughed loudly at her horrible, untimely version of the macarena, remembering when she was a child and he tried to teach her the moves at home.

“Rey,” he laughed, “No, hands on your head, then waist,” 

Rey didn’t listen, simply twirled around the room while throwing herself into advanced ballet moves. Leave it to her, he thought, to be classically trained in the art of dance, yet not be able to perfect one of the simplest line dances of all time. 

Kylo’s barking laughter rang out, hardly audible over the thudding music. He turned to follow Rey’s movements, but instead found himself staring straight into Hux’s eyes. The man was still leaning against the wall, with Phasma talking excitedly beside him.

Hux didn’t look away for a few seconds, just watched Kylo with something he couldn’t quite make out. All at once, the crowd became more dense between them, filled with a drunken wedding party doing the conga line around the living room.

When the smoke cleared, and the path between them was empty once again, Hux had turned away completely. Kylo stared after him a moment longer, wondering if Hux’s heart was threatening to beat out of his chest as well. 

Hux didn’t glance in his direction for the rest of the night. Kylo wondered if he was really looking at him in the first place.

-

The clock read half past six, barely visible through the darkness. Kylo stared at it, watching the thin red line tick around the circle, counting the seconds. He had been awake for almost twenty minutes, lying in complete darkness in some attempt to lull himself back to sleep. 

Kylo counted back in his head. It would be almost two in the morning back home, a time that he was usually active during. In reality, there were few points in the day where he wasn’t active. Sleeping was difficult, and he had next to no time during the day. So, Kylo spent the majority of his nights on his art.

Currently, he had slept for about five hours. That was more than enough to keep him functioning for a typical day, but this was his vacation after all. He deserved more rest, he bargained with himself.

Ten minutes later, sleep had still not come. Kylo let out an aggravated huff, throwing the heavy quilt off of his body and deciding to get moving. It would be nice to have some time to himself before the house exploded with activity again. 

Kylo padded down the hallway, toothbrush in hand, to complete his morning routine. His hair was yanked back in a bun, a few pieces falling down to frame his face. Kylo sighed, ignored the bags under his eyes, and continued to get ready for the day without looking again into the mirror. 

The house was quiet, and Kylo was quickly thankful that he had been given the bedroom on the first floor as opposed to one of the others in an upper part of the house. It made him feel less self conscious about moving around, though he still kept his footsteps as soft as possible.

From the kitchen, he heard quiet clinking and aggravated muttering. It seemed he was not the first out of bed, despite it still being a few minutes before seven. Kylo followed the noise, expecting to see his Uncle Luke fussing with the pots and pans. 

When he was younger, every time he came to visit there was always a spread waiting out for him when he awoke in the morning. Luke claimed, without fail, that a fairy must have come overnight and prepared them breakfast.

“This is a castle,” he would remind Kylo, “Magic is all about,” 

Kylo, as he grew, was less and less intrigued by the magical aspect, and more interested in the food before him. However, the tradition never ceased, and even became more intense when an eleven year old Rey was adopted into the family.

He stood in the doorway of the kitchen, opening his mouth to say a good-morning to his Uncle, when he caught a glimpse of red hair. Kylo’s first instinct was to pull away, run back to his room quietly and pretend he was still asleep. 

Yet, as he watched Hux curse at the egg shells littering the bowl before him, he couldn’t bring himself to leave.

Hux was illuminated by the gentle light of dawn, soft around the edges like a smudged painting. The pajamas he wore looked a size or two too big, and he continuously pulled up the sleeves of his sweater so they would stop getting in the way. 

It was rare to see him so vulnerable, rare even when Kylo lived with the man. He knew he should have spoken up sooner, but Kylo clung to every last second he had with this blurry version of Hux. Finally, he took a timid step forward. 

“G’Morning,” Kylo greeted quietly.

Hux jumped, an egg in his hand going flying and landing with a splat on the floor. He raised a hand to his heart, clutching the counter as he attempted to regain composure. Kylo smirked as he leaned his head against the wall. 

“It was great, until now,” Hux mumbled, clearing his throat abruptly. 

Kylo looked around the kitchen, nearly bursting into laughter over the sight. It looked like something out of a bad advert, with pots and pans spread out nearly everywhere, food splattered on every available surface.

“Perfect,” Hux muttered, “Now I have to clean this egg up-”

“I don’t think one egg made a very big difference in this mess,” Kylo interjected.

Hux shot him a warning look, and Kylo surrendered with the raising of his hands. He stepped forward, and before Hux could scold him further he was kneeling beside the cracked egg and cleaning it up with a few paper towels.

“Clean it properly if you’re going to do it at all,” Hux grumbled, “One of Phasma’s dogs might get salmonella from licking the floor,”

“I just think you enjoy seeing me down on my knees,” Kylo quipped, snagging soap and a wet sponge from the counter.

Hux sputtered slightly, but said nothing more on the subject. Kylo looked up once he was done, and noticed the pink that tinged Hux’s cheeks. 

It was strange to see him like this, Kylo thought. The night before he had been so collected and calculating, completely in charge. Yet here stood a completely different side of him, a side that Kylo had always prided himself on knowing better than anyone else.

“I see you’re still not a morning person, no matter how hard you try,” Kylo commented lightly, “And that you’ve picked up no further skill in the kitchen,” 

Hux didn’t look amused. He just grimaced at the cook book before him, head tilted down like it might hide the reddening of his face. His arms were crossed over his chest, with his fingers tapping rapidly against his arm.

“Stop pretending that you know me,” Hux demanded bitterly, “You’re not proving anything more than your foolishness,”

“Well, that is my plan. If I come off at least half as foolish as you are bitchy, this whole thing will be a success,” Kylo admitted, shaking his head, “It’s a tall order, but someone’s got to fill it,”

Hux glared at him for a moment before turning back to his eggs, trying unsuccessfully to scoop the shells from the bowl with a spoon. Behind him, a batch of toast popped up from the toaster and he jumped slightly at the sound. 

“I was hoping to have a relaxing, peaceful morning, but of course you had to crawl from your cave and ruin it,” Hux noted, “Do you have nothing better to do but come into the kitchen and bother me? Why are you not in bed?”

Kylo noticed how tense Hux was, and wondered how much he was to blame. It seemed, moreso, that Hux was upset at his utter lack of culinary skills. Kylo reminded himself that he likely had no effect on the other man, no matter how much he wanted to.

“Can’t sleep,” Kylo shrugged, rinsing the sponge under the faucet.

He could feel Hux’s eyes on him, but he kept his head ducked down. When his eyes finally met 

Hux’s, he could have sworn concern laced his gaze. It was almost a question, can you still not sleep at night unless there is someone beside you?, but Hux said nothing aloud.

As quickly as he looked up, he looked away. Hux’s eyes went back to the whisking of the eggs, impatiently stabbing at the yolks. Still, they didn’t seem to mix as well as he wanted. Hux gripped the counter in exasperation. 

Kylo licked his lips, watching Hux pensively. Finally, he stepped forward towards the other man. Kylo reached out to take the bowl from him, and Hux’s head snapped up angrily. He opened his mouth but paused, like he was trying to find the right words to berate the other with. 

“Here,” Kylo moved the whisk quickly, “Like this, see?”

Hux’s eyebrows were furrowed, his lips pursed in a thin line as he watched on. Kylo held the bowl back to him, and Hux gingerly took it into his own hands. Suspiciously, he followed Kylo’s direction. Within a moment, he was content in the mixing. 

Kylo smiled softly, nodding approvingly as Hux moved to the stove. There was still so much going on, and Kylo looked around in astonishment. Hux was always able to handle multitasking to the extreme, but this seemed over the top. 

He moved to the edge of the kitchen, grabbing a faded white apron off of the hook beside the door and letting it fall over his t-shirt. Hux looked at him through narrowed eyes, and Kylo went on tying the apron behind his back.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Hux hissed.

“Saving your ass,” Kylo answered simply.

“Excuse me?” Hux tilted his head, “You’re saving nothing. I am doing just fine here, and if you think that jumping onto this will somehow make you look good in front of-”

“You can have all of the credit,” Kylo interrupted, shrugging his shoulders and moving to butter the toast.

“Oh, yeah,” Hux scoffed, “Because I’m such a credit whore, right? You think that the credit is all that matters to me? I knew you hadn’t changed a bit, I knew you would be the same pretentious, self proclaimed angel, pretend pariah that wants nothing more than to piss me off-”

“Armitage,” Kylo sighed softly, “Would you please let me help you?” 

Hux stopped short at that, staring at Kylo from where he stood. In retrospect, Kylo thought, perhaps he shouldn’t have challenged Hux when he was wielding one of the biggest knives he had ever seen. 

Hux didn’t answer at first, he just watched Kylo suspiciously. The only noise in the room was the dripping of the faucet, and the eggs frying in their pan. After thirty or so seconds, Kylo sighed and stepped towards the stove.

Raising the knife slightly, Hux seemed to snap out of his deerlike expression and back into something more deadly. Kylo merely used a spatula to stir the eggs in the pan so that they wouldn’t burn, before moving back to butter the toast. 

“It’s just breakfast,” Kylo pointed out, “And I’ve nothing better to do,” 

The silence was tense, like Hux was just waiting for Kylo to turn around and destroy everything he had accomplished already. Not like that was much, Kylo thought, and the kitchen was not likely to get much messier than its current state. 

“I’m not trying to sabotage you,” Kylo teased, “Promise,” 

Hux resigned finally, turning back to the stove. He mimicked Kylo’s actions in stirring the eggs, watching them as if his life depended on it. Kylo just rolled his eyes, noting that Hux’s lack of expertise in the kitchen certainly hadn’t changed. 

They worked without speaking, Kylo finishing the toast and pancakes while Hux painstakingly stirred the eggs. It was enough food to feed the half dozen or so people staying in the house, and Kylo certainly hoped he wouldn’t be stuck on lunch duty when the rest came from their hotels. 

At some point, Kylo had begun to hum out some tune that was stuck in his head. It was typical for him to do while he was working, it always had been. Hux had always complained about the noise he made while he painted, despite Kylo never realizing he was humming in the first place.

Snapping out of his pancake trance, Kylo caught himself singing softly under his breath. He turned bright red, trying to trace back the moment he had begun. When he glanced up to see if Hux was staring daggers at him, he met the other man’s eyes.

The way he looked at him had Kylo’s breath catching in his throat. Hux stared unabashedly at Kylo with wide, glassy eyes. It wasn’t angry or irritated, and Kylo could have sworn the expression resembled something of heartbreak. 

“You still sing,” Hux breathed, “When you’re trying to focus,”

“It’s usually just humming,” Kylo apologized quickly, “Sorry, I never seem to realize I’m doing it,”

“I know,” Hux reminded him. 

All at once Kylo couldn’t handle it anymore. There they were, dancing around each other in the kitchen of his childhood summer-home, shooting secret glances from across the room when they thought the other was looking, trying to pretend that everything was fine and normal.

It wasn’t fine. Kylo wasn’t fine. It was supposed to be him getting married in the rolling hills of Ireland beneath the spring sunset, surrounded by friends and family that couldn’t stop talking about how beautiful his love was. It was supposed to be Hux beside him.

Kylo spent the last five years convincing himself he felt nothing for Hux, that he never had in the first place, that their breakup didn’t turn his life upside down and change him completely. But that wasn’t true. Nothing he told Hux that night was true, it was just Kylo trying to build himself up in an attempt to hurt Hux the way he hurt him.

He should have run after Hux. He should have chased him down the apartment building hall, picked him up, begged him to stay, told him how much he loved him. He shouldn’t have cared what his neighbors thought, he should have screamed at the top of his lungs how in love he was, how he didn’t think it was possible to survive without Hux in his life. 

Kylo wished he was honest with Hux. Kylo wished he hadn’t let his pride get the best of him, the best of both of them. He wished he had been able to make Hux love him again. He wished it was the two of them with rings on their fingers.

Instead, they stared at each other with so much fear it was almost tangible. They slept in different beds on different floors. They choreographed their movements to avoid one another. They tried to hurt each other through pointed comments and dirty looks. They pretended that everything was normal and fine. 

Kylo wanted to step forward and pull Hux into his arms, to whisper to him every feeling he had denied himself since he left. Hux looked like he wanted to run. 

“Stop looking at me like that,” Hux demanded, no heat in his voice.

“Like what?” Kylo asked, refusing to pull his eyes away.

Hux turned away, jabbing at the eggs in the pan with his spatula. Kylo continued to watch him, every thought racing through his head threatening to spill from his lips. He had held it in for so long, but no longer.

“Hux,” Kylo whispered, stepping forward.

“I’m so glad I decided to come,” Hux announced suddenly, “I think this weekend is going to be a great opportunity in developing our friendship,”

Kylo’s eyes widened slightly, slinking back. Hux was still turned away from him, pouring the eggs from the frying pan into a bowl. He floated around the kitchen, like something new had come over him. Kylo watched on confusedly.

“Five years is a while to be apart,” Hux continued, “But it gave us time to get over any lingering feelings we might have had for one another,” 

Kylo felt an arrow rip through his chest, and reached out to hold onto the counter. His legs threatened to give out at any moment. Hux continued working around the kitchen like nothing had happened, and Kylo blinked back the tears that threatened his eyes. 

“Not that those feelings were much else besides the crazy libido of twenty year olds, right?” Hux laughed easily, like he wasn’t snapping Kylo’s heart with every word. 

Kylo’s hands shook, and he clenched his fists as tightly as possible. From upstairs, he heard the first signs of the others stirring for the morning. Even from a flight down, he could hear Finn’s unmistakable laughter.

“After all, we were just awful to each other,” Hux remarked with a shake of his head, “Just a couple of kids clinging to something that so obviously wasn’t even there,” 

All this time, Kylo had told himself the same thing. But there was a difference in trying to convince himself that it was how Hux felt versus hearing the words directly from his mouth. Kylo’s bottom lip wobbled slightly, and he bit it until he tasted blood.

“I’m so glad you agree,” Kylo spoke up finally, voice somehow level, “I can’t believe we were so stupid,”

Hux laughed in agreement before announcing he would handle setting the table. Kylo moved towards the fridge, pulling out the necessary things for the table, and set them in a line on the counter. 

Maybe he was lying, Kylo considered desperately. But when he met Hux’s eyes as he entered the dining room and was met with a wide smile, eye crinkle and all, Kylo realized he had been holding onto a dream that was even more unrealistic than he previously thought.


	4. Nowhere to Go

The waves crashed against the rocky shore, reaching with all of their might for Kylo. He sat just out of reach, staring at the horizon in an attempt to distinguish the ocean from the gray skies. From above, birds called out to one another as they swirled among the clouds. 

He was fine, he told himself, it was okay to need a break after an entire day of interacting with a large group. A boat rocked on the water, sail billowing against the wind. Kylo wished he was aboard. From behind him, footsteps approached slowly.

“You know,” Rey sighed, throwing herself onto the ground beside him, “Artists don’t have to be so overly dramatic in every single day of their lives. Especially while on vacation,”

Kylo offered a small smile, but his eyes remained on the water. If he focused hard enough, he could pinpoint the moment a wave was born, and watch until it died out. Rey reached out to touch his shoulder lightly, worry in her eyes.

The entire house waking up to Hux and Kylo working alongside each other in the kitchen had certainly been a surprise, though no one said anything aloud. Rey seemed to be watching him more closely than usual, like he might fall apart at any moment. 

“How long has it been,” Kylo murmured quietly, fingers trailing through the sand.

“Almost a half hour,” Rey whispered, “Your mother sent me over,”

Kylo snorted, shaking his head as he drew a sip from his drink. Glancing over his shoulder, he caught the eye of his mother. She was leaning against Luke, watching him like she was waiting for him to dive into the ocean and disappear. He considered it. 

Rey patted his back sympathetically, and Kylo pulled himself from the ground. The interaction was certainly overwhelming, but he had taken enough time away from the party. Thankfully, the amount of people hadn’t grown by more than two or three since the night before. 

The rest of the guests would most likely be arriving Sunday, the day of the actual wedding. That meant Kylo had one more day to prepare himself, though he wasn’t sure how much more he could do. 

“Kylo,” Leia grinned as he approached, “How are you doing, hun?” 

Kylo smiled politely, placing a kiss on top of his mother’s head. Of course, he would much rather be alone somewhere, but he decided that this wasn’t so bad. It was rare for him to get to spend time with his mother, their interactions being restricted to hurried lunches when she visited the city, which wasn’t often.

“I’m doing fine, Mother,” Kylo assured her gently. 

Leia looked at him, the disbelief in her eyes obvious. Kylo squeezed her shoulder before he settled in to the small group, preferring to melt into the background rather than command the conversation. Leia seemed pleased he was there at all.

The group of older adults exchanged their stories, doing their best to impress Kylo with their grandeur. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realized they tip-toed around the name of his father. Kylo kept his mouth shut for the most part, laughing when it was expected and counting up and down from one hundred in his head to pass the time.

“Ben Solo!” a loud voice cried out from across the beach, and Kylo flinched only slightly at the name. 

“Ms. Kanata,” Kylo did his best to sound excited, “How are you, ma’am?”

The elderly woman hobbled across the beach, swatting away Finn as he anxiously trailed behind her. Even in her old age, she was intent on doing things by herself. Kylo smiled sympathetically in Finn’s direction, holding his hand out for Maz Kanata to take as she joined the rest.

“Now, Maz,” Leia touched her shoulder gently, “Benny changed his name to Kylo, remember? A pseudonym of sorts for his art-”

“Well if it’s a pseudonym,” Maz crossed her arms, “Why isn’t he referred to as Ben by friends and family?”

Kylo fought back a grimace, but did his best to keep up his smile. He laughed a little too loudly, waving the topic off with a flick of his hand. Maz had never addressed him by Kylo, and he didn’t really expect her to at this point. 

“How has your visit been so far?” Kylo segued, and noticed the appreciative glance Finn threw in his direction.

“Lovely spot for a wedding,” Maz nodded, “But I had a few suggestions my Finn just wouldn’t consider, which I think would have worked better,” 

Kylo listened to her rattle off places around the world that could be suitable for future wedding destinations. Maz was one of the most traveled people he had ever met, and was still visiting around the world in her old age. It was admirable, to say the least. 

“-perfect for your wedding, Benny,” Maz urged.

Kylo choked on his drink, shaking his head rapidly. Leia opened her mouth to speak, but Luke seemed to hold her back. Kylo offered a pleasant smile, promising to keep the suggestions in mind in the future. Not that he had much of a romantic future. 

“Now,” Maz clapped her hands together, “Where’s Han? I haven’t seen him all day,”

All at once the mood shifted, and Kylo felt the heat rushing through him. Leia touched his hand softly, a gentle promise that everything was fine, and a plea for him to contain himself. She easily explained that Han would be arriving on Sunday for the ceremony and reception, and that he couldn’t manage to get more time off than that.

Maz launched into a speech about how family was always more important than work, which ended up turning into a discussion of the wedding floral arrangements somehow. Kylo silently thanked Luke, who could always manage to shift the conversation where he pleased without anyone realizing.

Kylo risked a look at his mother, and noticed the way her eyes had fixated on her hands. It was obvious she was lost in thought, systematically answering questions and contributing to the conversation just enough to pass as if nothing was bothering her. 

But Kylo knew her. Kylo knew how much her marital issues impacted her, whether or not she discussed it aloud. He had seen her at her worst, when his father ran off for weeks at a time to ‘cool off’ from one of their fights, claiming it was what Leia wanted even if she didn’t say it aloud.

And now, they stood at the wedding of two people Leia watched grow up and fall in love as her own life fell apart around her. And her husband, Han Solo, was nowhere to be found. Instead, Leia had to deliver his excuses for him, same as always.

Kylo excused himself suddenly, ignoring his uncle’s heavy sigh of protest. He approached the bar, helping himself to another drink as if it would subdue the racing thoughts infecting his head. 

“That bad?” Rey approached quietly, leaning against the bar. 

Her eyes fluttered slightly, and Kylo noticed the nearly empty margarita in her hand. He simply shrugged, and kept his gaze away from his mother. The last thing he needed was an internal crisis over the reality of love at a wedding.

Rey reached across the bar for the bottle of champagne, but Kylo caught her wrist before she could get it. She let out a startled noise, staring at him confusedly.

“You’ve probably had enough for now,” Kylo asserted, voice low, “Didn’t Luke give you a three drink limit for tonight?”

Rey scoffed, obviously angry. A part of Kylo knew that he wasn’t being fair, that he was trying to compensate for his inability to take care of his mother by babying Rey. But he couldn’t help it, he just needed to have something in his control.

“Come on,” she shook his hand off of her, “Han would let me have another,”

The anger from before bubbled up once more at the mention of his name. Kylo assumed that Rey was right, that the fun-loving Han Solo would be sure to smuggle his favorite god-daughter another drink from behind the bar, no matter what her father had wanted.

“Well Han isn’t here, is he?” Kylo snapped suddenly, voice practically dripping with venom.

Rey looked at him almost angrily, and all at once Kylo dropped her wrist and took a step back. He brought the beer to his lips, staring out at the party and trying to imagine whether it would have been better if his father was there. He wasn’t sure. 

“Get over yourself,” Rey hissed, “You’re not my father-”

“Neither is he,” Kylo shot back, and noticed the way Rey’s face fell.

He shook his head, reaching out to touch her arm, but Rey yanked herself back. Pointedly, she filled a glass with champagne and took a long sip. It was obvious how unpleasant it was to drink so much as once by the look of her face, but she didn’t flinch. 

“I didn’t-” Kylo started, but Rey cut him off.

“You’re a dick,” she announced confidently.

“Yeah,” Kylo agreed easily, looking down at his shoes.

“I get that you have issues with your dad, whatever, I understand,” Rey continued, “But stop acting like we’re idiots for believing he’s a good man,”

Kylo sighed, rubbing his eyes as he nodded. Rey was practically bursting at this point, on the tips of her toes to seem taller and more intimidating. Kylo was surprised she hadn’t already climbed up onto the bar. 

“You didn’t have the easiest upbringing, and he’s made some mistakes,” Rey huffed, “But I’m sick and tired of watching you sulk around like a kicked puppy just because your daddy isn’t thrilled with your career choices-”

“I don’t care what my dad thinks of me,” Kylo cut her off.

Rey looked at him suspiciously, like she didn’t believe what she was hearing. Kylo turned away from her for a moment, watching Leia talk and laugh like everything was perfectly fine. He remembered all of the times he heard her crying from down the hall, begging Han to come home to an overflowing voicemail inbox.

“I understand why he means so much to you,” Kylo murmured.

He flashed back to when he was barely twenty, coming home from work to find the house fuller than when he had left it. An eleven year old Rey sat on the couch, clinging to the fifteen year old Finn beside her. Their eyes darted around the room, like they were looking for a way to escape.

Han sat beside them, talking to them softly. It took a few hours, but they finally accepted dinner and a place to sleep for the night. Kylo was confined to the kitchen with his mother, too afraid to spook the kids by overwhelming them with more people. 

“Your father found them on the side of the highway driving to work this morning,” Leia had explained quietly, watching them from around the corner of the wall, “They ran away from their foster home a few days ago and have been on the road since,” 

Han, who could barely look his own son in the eyes without getting uncomfortable, was knelt in front of the children, assuring them that everything was going to be okay. He had promised to find them somewhere safe to live, somewhere they would be happy. 

Finn was scared, so sure that Han wouldn’t be able to find somewhere for him to stay. He whispered to Kylo late at night, asked him what they would do when they found out no one wanted him. After fifteen years of living in the foster care system, he had given up any hope of finding a stable home. 

Han spoke to every person he had ever known, trying his best to find a suitable home for Finn. For six months he stayed in Kylo’s room, slowly opening up as he learned to trust them. Han introduced him to Maz Kanata, an old friend, one night at a dinner party. She took him into her home after a thirty second conversation, no further questions asked. 

And Rey, who was barely a week over eleven years old, spent just a little less time in the house than Finn did. She was adopted by Leia’s brother, Luke. It took dusk til dawn conversations between Kylo’s family and Luke, going over the pros of letting the young girl into his life.

He wasn’t sure he could handle raising a child, not after having lost so many friends throughout his life. Luke did his best to stay away, to let his anxiety confine him to a life alone. But Han didn’t give up. He knew that the two of them would be good for each other, and after months of talking it out, Luke realized that Han was right.

It was Rey that drew Luke out of the hermit tendencies he adopted over the years, that gave new meaning to his life. And it was Luke that taught Rey it was okay to trust people, and what a real family felt like. 

Han kept up with the two of them, checking in whenever possible and promising to be there whenever they needed him. For Finn and Rey, Han was like a second father. And in that aspect, Kylo agreed, he was a good man.

But the two of them saw a different side of Han than Kylo ever did. Perhaps it was because they met him when he was older, more mellowed out and less on edge. Or maybe, it was because he had the choice to be in their lives. For Kylo and Leia, he treated it as an obligation he hated to fulfill. 

“He’s been good to you,” Kylo agreed softly.

Rey narrowed her eyes, still convinced that Kylo’s mistrusting of Han was rooted within their own issues. Of course, it was difficult to have a father that wanted little to do with him growing up, that was disappointed in the paths he had chosen. But that wasn’t the bulk of it. 

“I just hate what he’s done to her,” Kylo admitted, and Rey’s gaze followed his to where Leia leaned against her brother. 

Kylo caught Leia’s eye from across the way, and smiled broadly when she waved wildly in his direction. In the next moment, she was looking towards the entrance of the beach, always waiting for the man that would never come. 

Slowly, his eye caught a flash of red. Hux stood staring into the ocean, his hair shaken loose by the wind. It felt like something out of a dream, and he noticed the same blurry edges around Hux that had softened him that morning.

Kylo wished, if only for a moment, that Hux might understand the love that Kylo still felt for him, the love he couldn’t deny no matter how hard he tried. Distantly, he wondered if he had become his mother: waiting on a man that would never truly return to him, and might have never been there in the first place. 

As if on cue, Hux turned around to meet Kylo’s eye. In that second, it felt like they were the only people on the beach, like everything else had melted away. Hux turned back to the ocean, and Kylo listened to the waves crash against the shore. 

From beside him, Rey placed a hand on his shoulder. Kylo wanted to shove her away, but he only leaned into the touch. 

“You’re a walking cliche, Kylo,” Rey joked softly, “A depressed artist with daddy issues that can’t get over his first love, and is too stupid to see that he’s loved back,” 

Kylo’s eyes snapped back to Rey, mouth opening a little too quickly to refute her accusation. The ferocity of his denial just made her smile sadly, and she gave his shoulder a squeeze. Rey grabbed the bottle of champagne, pressed a quick kiss to Kylo’s cheek, and walked off to join Phasma and Poe in playing flip cup.

The three of them cheered excitedly as they chugged champagne, howling with laughter at the burn of the bubbles. Kylo, for a moment, considered joining them. He had always been particularly good at drinking games, which he blamed on Poe for exposing him to them at such an early age. 

Kylo took a step towards the trio, before something urged him to turn around once more. Hux was watching him once more, though he didn’t look away quite as quickly this time. Kylo noticed the red of his cheeks, remembered the times he had kissed his face until they burned. 

Hux turned away again, and Kylo stood frozen. He ran over Rey’s words in his head, too stupid to see that he’s loved back. She was drunk, he reminded himself, and had no romantic experience of her own to draw from. 

She was wrong. Hux had never loved him to begin with, he had made that much perfectly clear. They were horrible for each other. This weekend was about friendship, and his best friend’s love, not trying to rekindle something that had never ignited in the first place.

Kylo thought about the fights. Yelling at each other that escalated to the point of their neighbors calling the police. Half of the bed left empty until it was almost sunrise. Insults that cut so deep they had to hide their tears. Hux with one foot out of their home before Kylo could open his eyes.

Kylo thought about Hux’s eyes. His laugh. The way he squeezed Kylo’s hand tighter when he was cold. The lazy mornings, and the sleepy afternoons. Messes in the kitchen from poorly made dinners. Slow dancing in the elevator. Races to build the newly purchased Ikea furniture. The way Hux used to cling to him at night like it could keep them together. 

Hux stood at the edge of the beach, staring into the ocean. Kylo stood beside him, close enough that if he reached out, his fingers might brush the other man’s shoulder. They didn’t look at one another, just stood in silence listening to the hum of the party in the background.

“I’m surprised the King of Flip-Cup isn’t competing,” Hux noted as the chorus of cheers rang out behind them.

Kylo turned slightly, watching Hux’s hair blow easily in the wind. His eyes shimmered against the setting sun, reflecting the gray, rolling waves. He thought about joining his friends in knocking back cheap champagne, exchanging old stories, laughing like he hadn’t in years. 

He thought about sitting in silence with the man that continuously broke his heart, watching the waves beat tirelessly against the shore without relent. 

“Not in the mood,” Kylo answered finally, barely noticing the shimmer of a smile on Hux’s lips before it was gone. 

-

“No adults!” Rey cried out gleefully, plopping down onto a blanket spread out beside the roaring fire.

“Rey,” Finn chuckled, “You’re nineteen. You’re legally an adult,” 

Rey narrowed her eyes, flipping him off. Finn rolled his eyes, snuggling further into Poe’s chest from their extra large lawn chair. 

“Plus, four out of six of us are about thirty-” Phasma pointed out, and Rey cut her off with a hiss.

“We’re children tonight,” she demanded, “And we’re celebrating the end of Poe and Finn’s childhood. Because soon they will be married. And have babies of their own. And pay taxes,”

Rey nodded securely, and everyone around the fire looked at her curiously. She was the youngest by almost half a decade next to Finn, and about a full decade to the rest of the group. However, she was usually the most mature of them all. Alcohol brought out the childhood in Rey that had never quite been there.

“Rey,” Hux spoke slowly, “Have you never paid taxes?”

The girl simply shrugged, reaching her hands out to warm them by the fire. Kylo snickered, shaking his head at the simplicity of her life. When Kylo was Rey’s age, he had just met Phasma and Hux. Rey and Finn weren’t yet in his life. Everything was still bright and new, and he saw that still shimmering in the young girl’s eyes. 

Rey looked at him curiously, like she was trying to read his thoughts. He hadn’t spoken much since their last conversation, save his gentle teasing of Hux next to the water. In reality, Kylo was exhausted. He considering turning in early, claiming that he was resting up for the bachelor parties tomorrow. 

But this, he thought, this he could handle. Seeing his best friends all together for the first time in over five years, joking and reminiscing, warming himself by a sturdy fire on the shore, that would be just fine. 

Hux’s laugh rang out from beside him, and his heart flipped in his chest. Perhaps he spoke too soon.

“Game time,” Rey announced abruptly, throwing her arms excitedly into the air. 

“Of course the child wants to play a game,” Poe sighed dramatically, and Rey threw a marshmallow at him, reiterating once again that they were all children for the night.

“Alright, alright,” Finn mediated, “What game are you thinking?”

Rey tapped her chin, thinking pensively. Poe lit into her for not already having something in mind, suggesting hide and seek or tag while Rey bickered back. Kylo watched them amusedly, eyes drooping slightly by the fire. 

From beside him, he saw Hux clutching his arms. He almost laughed to himself, it was no surprise that he was cold even with the fire in front of him. Without a second thought, Kylo stripped his sweatshirt from his body and placed it in Hux’s lap.

“What-” Hux looked at him dazedly, instantly holding out the sweater for Kylo to take back.

“M’fine,” he yawned, and Hux stuttered over a thank you. 

When Kylo snapped out of his sleepy trance, he realized that all eyes were on him. Poe looked concerned, reworking what had happened in his mind and staring between Hux and Kylo. Kylo’s face flushed, and he looked down at his hands.

“I know a game,” Kylo blurted out suddenly, trying to take the attention off of the sweatshirt, “Never Have I Ever,”

Phasma burst into laughter, leaning back in her chair and staring wildly at Kylo. It was like something out of their freshman year of college, where they would get a little too drunk and play ridiculous tween games sitting on the floor of their dorm.

“Every time you put a hand down you have to take a shot,” Kylo offered up, and a chorus of cheers rang out around him.

“Well, now that you’ve made it a drinking game,” Poe laughed, pulling a bottle of whiskey from under their chair. 

“You just had that on hand?” Rey deadpanned, “What kind of tell-tale sign…” 

“You never know when you’re going to need dark liquor,” Poe pointed out.

The two of them continued to bicker for some time while Finn filled little plastic shot glasses and passed them around the circle. Kylo flinched at the smell of the whiskey, wishing more than anything it was something slightly less revolting. 

Turning to pass a cup to Hux, he caught the other man staring at him. The sweater was finally on him, and Kylo could have laughed at how tiny he looked in it. While they were about the same height, Kylo was far bulkier than his counterpart. 

“You’re staring,” Hux whispered, something teasing in his tone.

“You’re one to talk,” Kylo joked back, holding out the cup. 

Hux took it, looking away and back to Rey and Poe’s mini-battle. It was as if he couldn’t handle more than a few seconds of looking at Kylo, while Kylo couldn’t handle looking away. When everyone was given their drinks, Phasma cleared her throat and wiggled her fingers.

“Never have I ever,” she announced confidently, “been engaged,”

Poe and Finn both groaned, shaking their heads at her pointed turn. Phasma just laughed, claiming it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Poe flipped her off, and Finn dejectedly lowered one of his fingers.

“Never have I ever,” Poe narrowed his eyes, “Been over six feet tall,”

“That is not how you play the game!” Phasma shrieked, but put a finger down anyways.

Kylo and Hux looked at each other, both following her lead. Hux smirked, shaking his head and scrunching his nose up at the liquor in his lap. Four more fingers, and they would be knocking those back. Kylo could hardly wait. 

With the pointed plays, it wasn’t long until everyone had taken more than a few shots. Rey was nearly tipping over from her spot on the ground, and Kylo distantly was thankful that she hadn’t taken a place in an actual seat.

“Never have I ever,” Phasma giggled, “Had a crush on Poe Dameron,”

“Jesus Christ,” Kylo muttered to himself, lowering his final finger and reaching for the whiskey.

Poe howled with laughter, shooting a wink in his direction. Phasma looked to Rey, who was glaring at her angrily. The bottle was passed around the circle until it landed in her lap, and she drank straight from the bottle while flipping Phasma off. 

“It’s not fair,” Kylo coughed, “Everyone had a crush on Poe. He was the only cute guy in the entire town,” 

“And the only other gay one,” Poe pointed out, and Kylo laughed loudly. 

The group fell into a lull, each racking their brains for another example. It grew harder the drunker they became, and Kylo found it almost impossible to think of something he hadn’t done. 

“I have one,” Rey giggled sweetly, teetering back and forth.

Kylo looked at her fondly, wondering what other horrible secrets she would dredge up. They had already exposed Poe for peeing out of a second story window, Finn for vomiting on the hood of a random car in a parking garage, Phasma for being in an orgy, Hux for knowing every word to an entire Nicki Minaj album, and Kylo for spending the majority of a flight in the bathroom because he couldn’t stop crying. 

“Go ahead, Rey,” Finn scoffed, “Just skip everyone else’s turn,”

“Let her go,” Hux snickered, “She’ll forget it within a minute if you don’t,” 

“Hux,” Rey hiccuped, “Have some little tiny faith,”

“Little tiny faith,” Hux repeated, “Got it,”

Kylo laughed into the palm of his hand, his shoulders shaking as he stole a glance at Hux. Hux looked proud of himself, and his gaze held onto Kylo’s for a few seconds too long. It was easier not to look away with the help of alcohol, apparently.

“Thank you, Arm,” Rey raised the bottle of whiskey like a toast. 

“Already regretting it,” Hux nodded, and Kylo’s head fell back as he laughed. 

“Never have I ever, ever! In my whole life, ever,” Rey warned, eliciting an understanding nod from the others, “Have been in lo-o-ove with someone in this circle,”

The word was drawn out in a sing-songy voice, and Rey stared directly at Finn and Poe. They laughed, throwing marshmallows at her for the jab. Kylo watched as Poe nuzzled against Finn, placing a soft kiss to his lips and tapping their noses together.

He sat silently for a moment, playing the words over and over in his head. Phasma and Rey were cackling in their seats, bickering over the last of the graham crackers, while Poe and Finn were too wrapped up in each other to pay attention.

Without further fuss, Kylo folded his thumb over his palm. He was done lying. Even to himself. Four fingers remained straight up on his hand. He stared at them, eyes glazed over from the alcohol and need for sleep. 

The buzz of laughter became garbled in the background as Kylo flexed his fingers, counting them over and over again. There was a soft noise beside him, between a gasp and a sigh. Kylo turned, and Hux was staring at his hand.

Kylo sat frozen, caught in his own drunken mistake. Of course it was Hux sitting next to him, and of course he had to be dramatic and put a finger down when no one was paying attention, and of course the rest of the circle was too caught up in their own fun to notice.

Unable to breathe, Kylo let his eyes wander to Hux. The other man had jerked his gaze away, staring straight ahead into the fire. His hand sat in his lap, and Kylo squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. It was now or never, he told himself, and finally worked up the courage to look.

Hux’s elbow moved to rest on his knee, his hand held straight in the air. His attention had turned towards Phasma and Rey’s bickering, completely disregarding Kylo next to him. Kylo’s attention flickered to his hand, and felt his heart drop to his stomach.

Five fingers were raised on Hux’s hand, on proud display for each of the others to see. For Kylo to see. It felt like it was all falling apart suddenly, like he couldn’t pull in a deep enough breath to fill his lungs. The ground fell out from beneath him, and Kylo felt his chest constrict tighter with every passing second. 

And Hux. 

Hux sat up perfectly straight, wide grin spread across his face, twinkling laughter ringing out across the fire. Hux didn’t look at him, didn’t see the way he had ripped Kylo’s heart out of his chest and thrown it into the fire before them. 

Hux proved again and again that he never loved Kylo, that the two years they spent together meant next to nothing to him, perhaps less. And all this time later, when Kylo tried to stifle the protruding hope of a potential future between them, Hux proved that nothing could ever make him love Kylo.

Once again, he ran over Rey’s words to him in his head. Too stupid to see that he’s loved back. No, Kylo decided, he was stupid enough to believe that Hux might have loved him in the first place. 

“Kylo?” Finn’s voice cut through his thoughts, “It’s your turn, do you have anything?”

All eyes were on him, and he noticed the slight fade of their enthusiasm. Rey’s drunken mind was working hard, and Kylo felt the need to get away before they put it together. Before they noticed his finger down and asked him what it was about. 

Never have I ever broken someone’s heart. Never have I ever walked out on someone without a second thought. Never have I ever laid beside someone that loved me until the ends of the Earth, and lied through my teeth that I felt the same way. 

“Never have I ever been kicked out of Chili’s Bar and Grill,” Kylo offered with a fake smile.

“It was one time!” Phasma bellowed, and the circle erupted into a myriad of arguments once again.

Kylo felt Hux’s eyes on him. He didn’t bother looking up.


	5. Spiraling Down

Kylo yawned, arms stretched behind his back as he made his way through the quiet house. To work off his slight hangover, he went on a run around his uncle’s property with the sunrise. It gave the illusion of having his life together which, obviously, he did not.

The night ended with Kylo holding onto his pillow for dear life, biting back the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. He blamed it on the alcohol, amplifying the rejection he felt from Hux to a million times what it should have been.

In reality, he had almost sobered up by the time he went to sleep. 

There was a crash from the kitchen, and Kylo rolled his eyes. Of course Hux would be there, trying to prove to himself that he could manage to make everyone breakfast. Of course, he thought sullenly, he wouldn’t bother to ask Kylo for help. 

Pulling an earbud from his ear, Kylo considered just heading back to his room. A shower was necessary, he told himself, that was a good enough excuse to get out of there. Checking his watch, he sighed as he considered drinking the water from the tap.

Kylo reasoned that if he snagged his smoothie from the fridge and drank it before showering, he wouldn’t have to sit through the giant breakfast. Then, he would have time to check in on work, and answer the e-mails flooding his inbox. 

Maybe, he thought hopefully, he would even get a chance to paint. It was a stretch, but it would be a real stress reliever for the next two days.

Kylo stood up straighter, nodded to himself, and stepped forward. Hux had no right to make him feel anxious in a house that had practically been a second home to him during his childhood. He was sick and tired of stepping on eggshells around the other man. It was time to finally enjoy himself.

He walked confidently into the kitchen, replacing the earbud to signal that he wasn’t looking for interaction. Kylo kept his eyes straight ahead, refusing to even look at Hux. He pulled his smoothie from the fridge, as well as a bottled water, and drew in a deep breath.

In a perfect world, he would have been able to walk away without needing to look. He wouldn’t have thought back to the morning before, when they worked quietly around each other and pretended they didn’t catch the other staring. 

But Kylo wasn’t as strong as he hoped. 

Hux sat on the floor, hands tugging at his hair, forehead resting against his knees. It was as if he hadn’t noticed Kylo coming in, or hoped that he was out of sight enough for Kylo not to notice him. There was something off about him, and Kylo didn’t like it.

He removed both earbuds, letting them hang from the strap on his arm. Hux hadn’t moved, but the raggedness of his breathing was obvious without the music playing in Kylo’s ears. He was trembling, visible from where Kylo stood from across the kitchen. 

Taking a tentative step forward, Kylo placed the things in his hands on the counter. The same mess was surrounding him as the day before, and he wondered how it was possible for someone to take up almost every possible surface available just to make eggs. 

“Hux,” Kylo inquired softly, tilting his head to the side, “You okay?”

Hux didn’t answer, only pulled his knees tighter to his chest. It seemed as if he was trying to disappear from the room entirely. Kylo had never seen him look so small. 

Kylo knelt beside him, still a few feet away. His arm twitched, like it was itching to reach out for Hux. He kept it plastered to his side, unsure of what to do. It was the last thing he expected to walk in on that morning for sure. 

“Hey,” Kylo whispered, “Hux, I’m here. Talk to me,” 

In their time together, Kylo had only seen Hux so far gone a handful of times. He was the type to hide his anxiety, to internally break down while he was outward smiles and functionality. But sometimes, it all became too much and he couldn’t pretend anymore.

Still, he remembered what to do. Get Hux talking. Comfort him. Bring him to bed. Hold him. The last step flashed through his mind, and Kylo felt himself recoil slightly. That was a boundary he couldn’t cross, no matter how badly he wanted Hux in his arms.

He couldn’t take advantage of him like that. 

“Armie,” Kylo smiled gently, using the name he knew the other man hated to draw him out, “Come on,”

“Leave me the fuck alone,” Hux snapped his head up, teeth bared like an animal.

Kylo didn’t flinch, just leaned back to sit on his heels. Hux buried his face once more, his body shaking as he attempted to breathe deeply. It was like he couldn’t get enough air, no matter how quickly he breathed. 

Standing up, Kylo delicately stepped around Hux to get to the stove. The kettle was set on one of the burners, and he listened carefully for its whistle as he swept into the living room. A throw from the couch was bundled up in his arms, and Kylo hurried back to the kitchen.

“Lean forward,” he ushered quietly.

“I don’t want that,” Hux hissed, “I don’t want your help. I don’t want you,” 

Kylo waited patiently, ignoring the ache of his knees on the hard floor. Finally, Hux leaned forward just enough for Kylo to drape the blanket around his shoulders. The kettle began to sing, and he snagged an Earl Grey tea bag from the cupboard.

Hux still had his eyes squeezed tightly closed, though he was now gripping the blanket that covered him. The shaking was no longer as visible, but Kylo doubted that it had truly died down at all. The throw just did a good job of covering it. 

Kylo stirred the tea, waiting until it had turned a paler brown before he removed the spoon and set it in the sink. He pulled a few tea biscuits from the cupboard as well, knowing plenty well that Hux was unlikely to eat them.

Kneeling before the red headed man, Kylo prodded at his hands. Hux shoved him away at first, nearly spilling the tea all over the kitchen floor. Kylo stood firm, despite the ache in his heart that begged him to just leave it be.

Finally, Hux gave his pushing up and raised his head. He blinked dazedly as the steaming cup held before him, like he was trying to piece together what it was. Kylo waited patiently until Hux took the mug into his hands, clinging to its warmth.

“Two sugars and a splash of milk,” Kylo offered quietly, “I hope that’s still how you like it,”

Hux stared into the cup, watching the swirling liquid steadily even itself out. It was as if he was trying to discover its secret so that he might do the same for himself. 

“It is,” Hux nodded slowly, his voice hitching with his uneven breathing. 

“It’s okay,” Kylo assured him as the panicked look flooded Hux’s eyes once more, “Hey, Hux, you’re okay,”

Hux shook his head, his body shuddering. It was terrifying to watch, like someone drowning on dry land. Kylo wanted nothing more than to help him come back to reality, to teach him how to breathe once again.

“Hux,” Kylo pleaded softly, “Talk to me,”

Hux continued to shake his head, clutching to the mug of tea for dear life. Drops spilled down his fingers, but it was like he didn’t even notice. Having him hold onto something warm had helped years ago, but Kylo wondered if it was doing anything currently. 

“Please,” Kylo whispered, reaching out to wipe away the drink from his hands.

Raising his head, Hux met Kylo’s eyes. His face was red and splotchy, and the rims of his eyes were red. The expression on his face threatened to spill tears at any moment, and Kylo decided it was his mission to prevent that.

“I can’t do it,” Hux whispered, “It’s too much,”

“Can’t do what,” Kylo prodded gently.

“Anything,” Hux admitted, “This. Planning a wedding,”

A shaky breath fell from his lips, like he hadn’t been able to get the words out before. Kylo watched him sadly, knowing that Hux needed his space. It didn’t take away his desperate desire to pull him into his arms.

“I don’t know why I thought I could do it,” Hux shook his head, “I just felt so awful about being so out of the loop for so long, and I thought this might make it up to Finn and Poe but-”

Hux’s bottom lip trembled, and his voice cut out abruptly. Kylo saw how hard he was working to keep himself in control, but he was slipping quickly. 

Kylo remembered an anxiety attack so awful it left Hux in bed for an entire weekend. He could barely stay awake, and if he was awake he was shaking beneath an infinite supply of blankets. It was obvious how fearful he was about something of that degree taking him over. 

“Hey, breathe,” Kylo reminded him.

Hux was on the verge of hyperventilating, eyes darting around the room wildly. Kylo couldn’t stand to watch it anymore, and gingerly took the mug of tea from Hux’s hands. He laced their fingers together, squeezing tightly to draw him back.

“With me,” Kylo instructed gently.

Hux watched him, following his breathing pattern the best he could. Kylo counted in his head, remembering the pattern that had always worked best for Hux. They sat on the kitchen floor for five or so minutes before Hux’s crazed expression settled slightly. 

“Okay?” Kylo asked carefully.

“Okay,” Hux nodded, and Kylo saw his mind working as he continued counting the seconds between breaths. 

“Good,” Kylo smiled carefully, trying not to let Hux see just how worried he was, “Keep talking. Tell me more,”

Hux’s eyes were slightly lidded, like he was trying to remember what they had been discussing in the first place. When he spoke again, his voice was shaking only slightly less, but Kylo saw every little improvement as a triumph.

“I’m scared that I’m going to ruin their wedding,” Hux whispered, “What if they’re disappointed? What if I’ve hyped it up too much, and it doesn’t live up to their expectations? What if they end up hating everything I’ve worked so hard to do,” 

Hux was working himself back up again, and Kylo gently squeezed his hand to draw him back. Their eyes locked, like it was able to keep Hux where he needed to be and not off getting lost in his own head. 

“It’s so much work,” Hux sniffled, “And I don’t want to be a decision they regret. I want them to be happy,”

Kylo smiled gently. Hux, no matter what facade he put on for everyone else to see, was one of the kindest men he had ever known. He cared so deeply about the happiness of others, as well as their opinions of him. As much as he tried not to. 

“It’s Finn and Poe,” Kylo reminded him softly, “They could get married in a landfill and be elated. So long as they have each other,”

Hux offered a watery laugh, and Kylo frowned at the forcefulness of it. He wished Hux knew that he didn’t have to pretend with him, that he’d accept him no matter what emotion he was feeling.

“You’re right, I know,” Hux breathed, “I just want it to be perfect for them. I feel like, like I owe it to them,” 

Kylo cocked his head sideways, watching Hux carefully. There was something else, another reason that he was so upset over it all. Kylo wondered why he felt he owed them, why he had offered to take on the job in the first place.

“I’m a bad friend,” Hux whispered finally, “I know it. I just wanted to do something good,”

Hux pulled himself away, curling up into a ball once more. Kylo frowned, trying to find the words to dispel the negative thoughts swirling within the other’s head. What could have made him consider himself a bad friend? 

“You were the best friend I ever had,” Kylo admitted softly.

Hux hiccuped, peeking up from his arms to stare at the other. There was suspiciousness in his gaze, like he was trying to read Kylo’s face for deceit. 

“I mean it,” Kylo swallowed, “You were always there to talk me down from the ledge when I was being overly dramatic. You watched the shitty foreign films I brought home from the video store. You took care of me when I was sick, proofread my awful essays, let me pick the music in the car, came to all of my art shows when everyone else pretended to be busy…”

Kylo’s voice trailed off as he ran out of breath. That’s why I fell in love with you, he thought to himself. The words caught in his throat, and he held onto them in his chest. 

“You’re a good friend, Hux,” Kylo continued, “And that’s coming from me, your sworn enemy,”

Hux laughed slightly at that, and Kylo noticed the crinkle of his eyes when he smiled. 

“Thank you,” Hux whispered warmly.

He still wasn’t fully himself, and Kylo doubted he would be anytime soon. It was an ordeal that certainly wore him out, but it seemed like he was going to be fine. Hux’s eyes trailed around the kitchen, taking in the mess before him.

“Don’t worry about this,” Kylo murmured, “I’ll clean it up, make some toast while I’m at it,” 

Hux shot him a look, clearly intent on doing it by himself. Kylo stood firm in his offer though, standing up to get to work before the other could stop him. Hux let his eyes fall closed like he was working up the energy to stand.

“You’re not helping,” Kylo said flatly. 

“Kylo, I-” Hux started weakly. 

“No,” Kylo commanded, squatting down to scoop Hux into his arms.

Hux let out a startled cry, jerking back. Kylo only secured his grip, and stood up effortlessly. Hux laid in his arms, bridal style, looking surprised and mildly uncomfortable. Kylo simply walked from the kitchen to the living room, setting Hux down gently on the biggest couch.

“Kylo Ren, that was completely-” Hux huffed, but Kylo cut him off.

“Armitage,” Kylo sighed softly, “Will you please get some rest? You’re going to work yourself to death before they’re even married,” 

Hux crossed his arms over his chest, sitting up slightly to seem larger. There was something in his eyes that Kylo couldn’t read, but after a few tense moments of silence he finally gave up and flopped back into the couch.

“Whatever,” he grunted angrily.

Kylo turned to head back to the kitchen, but stopped after a few steps. He walked back to the couch, squatting down in front of it so he was eye level with Hux. Hux cracked an eye open at the slight dip in the edge of the couch where Kylo placed his hands to balance himself out.

“What?” Hux murmured, eyes flickering from Kylo’s eyes to his lips for half a second before they were back. 

“You’re not doing this alone anymore,” Kylo assured him, “I’m going to help you with whatever you need, and the ceremony is going to go perfectly,”

Hux stared at him blankly, and Kylo wished that he could just read how he was feeling. 

“Reception too,” Kylo added jokingly as an afterthought.

A small smile played at Hux’s lips, but he looked unsure. Kylo wanted to promise him that he meant every word he said, that he wasn’t going to let him down this time. Instead, he stood and turned to go back to the kitchen.

When he peeked from behind the wall a few minutes later, Hux was fast asleep on the couch. Kylo covered him with another blanket, and left a covered mug of tea beside him for when he woke. 

-

“A strip club,” Poe deadpanned, staring between Kylo and Rey.

Kylo opened his mouth to explain that it wasn’t exactly his idea, and that he didn’t really have a say in the matter, but Rey cut him off by excitedly throwing her arms into the air.

“We had to have at least one cliche,” she announced, “It’s not exactly traditional to share a bachelor party-”

“We’ve been over this,” Finn groaned, “We wanted all of our friends together-”

“It’s because they don’t have enough friends to have two separate parties,” Phasma refuted with a smirk.

Finn scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest and shaking his head. Poe laughed, hiding his smile in his hand so that it wasn’t noticeable. Finn saw anyways, and jabbed him in the side.

“You’re supposed to defend my honor,” he reminded him with a shake of his head. 

“Be nice to my husband,” Poe yelled, wagging a finger. He looked to Finn excitedly, checking to see if he had done well.

Finn rolled his eyes, but pulled Poe in for a kiss anyways. Kylo pretended to gag, and Phasma sympathetically rubbed his back. After the hustle and bustle of a four hour rehearsal dinner, Kylo was happy to have some time alone with his friends.

Poe finally opened the door of the car they crammed themselves into, and the six tumbled into the street. Luke smiled from the driver’s seat, waving before he drove off. Kylo checked his wallet one more time to make sure he had enough stashed for a taxi in case of an emergency.

“Someone seems worried,” Hux noted playfully, sidling up beside him.

“Well,” Kylo’s voice was tight, “It’s kind of my shining moment,”

Hux smiled, glancing at the building before them. It was a stereotypical male strip club, and looked even more sleazy at night than it had looked during the day when Rey brought him to check it out. He hadn’t thought that was possible.

“Good thing you still have your best man’s speech,” Hux smirked, “To make up for it,”

“Fuck off,” Kylo laughed, nudging Hux with his shoulder.

Hux was jostled only slightly, and tried to hide the budding smile on his lips. Kylo felt his heart swell, overjoyed that the man was finally feeling better. The rehearsal dinner had taken a lot out of him, and Kylo was worried once more that he would revert into a panic.

“Thanks for helping me out today,” Hux murmured quietly, “It… made everything a lot easier,”

Kylo snorted, shaking his head. Yes, he had helped set up tables and chairs, and carry a few floral arrangements from the car, but the rest was all Hux. It was inspiring to see him work, practically weightless as he floated around the room to organize everything.

The room had been mapped out perfectly in a binder, everything came right on time, the aesthetic was impeccable. Kylo had watched on in a daze, finding himself tripping over simple tasks while Hux never made a single mistake.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he shook his head, “That was all you. I just did some of the heavy lifting,”

“Still,” Hux snuck a glance in Kylo’s direction, “It was comforting to have you there,”

Kylo let out a squeak of laughter, feeling warmth spread to his chest. He blamed it on the champagne they had before they came, though it was hardly enough to get him excited. Hux looked at him with a flash of mischief in his eyes, a secret glance between the two of them.

Kylo almost leaned forward to kiss him.

“Hey, bozos,” Rey called from a few steps ahead, “We doing this or what? There’s a schedule I’d like to stick to, if you don’t mind,” 

Hux’s face flushed slightly, and he nodded curtly as he stepped forward to follow Rey. Kylo fell in line with him, restraining himself from reaching out to grab the other’s hand. This night might be more difficult than he initial thought.

“She sounds like you,” Kylo noted, gesturing to Rey.

“Fuck off,” Hux repeated Kylo’s earlier words back to him, but Kylo grinned anyways. 

The inside of the club was loud, and hot, and surprisingly busy. Poe and Finn sat at one of the back booths, more focused on each other than anything else. Rey was already carrying a tray of shots to the table, and Phasma offered to take the extra like it was a chore. 

Kylo slipped into the booth, sliding down until he was beside Phasma. Hux followed him immediately, nearly cutting Rey off. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly, but she didn’t comment on it. Kylo hid his smile.

“Where’s the penis hats,” Poe shouted over the music.

Rey reached a hand into her bag, pulling out two baseball caps from the bottom. Poe howled with laughter, obviously not expecting the girl to produce anything. He secured one on his own head, and placed the other on Finn’s.

“That is so ugly,” Kylo wrinkled his nose. 

Each hat had a large plastic penis on the brim, with “Dick-Ho” written in spray paint across the front. Finn couldn’t stop laughing, just kept poking the penis on Poe’s hat and watching it flop back and forth.

“Very realistic,” Phasma noted, and Kylo choked on his drink.

“Phas,” Hux gagged.

“I’m just saying,” she raised her hands innocently. 

“Disgusting,” Kylo shook his head in agreement.

“Don’t you side with him,” Phasma gasped, “I am not about to be double teamed by you two,”

Hux groaned at the expression, resting his head in his hands. Kylo snickered, trying to remain serious but utterly failing. Phasma looked pleased by their reactions, and waved down a waiter to order another round of shots for the table.

“I can’t drink anymore,” Finn whined, “I’m getting married tomorrow,”

“At five in the afternoon you fucking twat,” Phasma rolled her eyes. 

Finn pouted, but accepted the drink anyways. He swore it was the last he was going to accept before Poe was pulling him from the booth to go dance in the corner of the club. Kylo was almost positive that wasn’t the point of a strip club, but didn’t speak up.

“Bar hopping in fifteen minutes,” Rey reminded them, cupping her hands over her mouth to shout across the room.

Finn shot her a thumbs up, cut off with a laugh as Poe nipped at his neck sweetly. Rey rolled her eyes, turning back to the rest of the table.

“At least we know they’re not having any second thoughts,” Kylo smiled at her.

“We had the easy job, Kylo,” Rey raised a glass, “They would be happy to lay in an alley and look at the stars if that’s what we suggested,”

Kylo snorted, but agreed with a nod. The next fifteen minutes were spent cheering on Rey as she shoved singles in men’s g-strings, and holding Phasma back from eating the men alive. Finn and Poe joined them after they got tired of dancing alone, and urged them to break into the macarena in the middle of the bar.

“We’re going to get kicked out,” Hux laughed loudly, watching Phasma and Rey climb atop occupied tables to dance.

“What else is new,” Kylo shrugged, following their lead and climbing up onto the table closest to him.

Hux’s face lit up in surprise, letting out a burst of laughter as he watched Kylo shimmy his hips. The song, something heavy with bass, was not the macarena. That didn’t stop Kylo from doing the dance perfectly, and then switching it up to attempt the cotton-eyed joe. 

Hux laughed along, throwing his head back when Kylo spun a little too far and scrambled in the air to land properly on the ground. He reached forward, placing a hand on Kylo’s shoulder to steady him. 

“You’re going to get yourself killed,” Hux shook his head.

“I’ve been through worse,” Kylo waved it off, and Hux snickered.

“Worse than death?” he asked with a quirk of his eyebrow.

Kylo felt like his shoulder was burning from where Hux touched him. He so desperately wanted to reach out and hold onto Hux, spend every last second of the time they had left wrapped up in one another, making up for the years they missed. Instead, he let Hux’s hand fall as he once again stepped back from him.

“Much worse,” Kylo confirmed quietly.

Hux looked at him curiously, like he was trying to decipher Kylo’s words. In the end, he only offered a less than genuine laugh and checked behind his shoulder for the others. They were already being rounded up by the bouncers, and Kylo noticed a particularly angry man heading in their direction.

“Best be getting out of here,” Hux tilted his head to the side curiously.

Phasma reached out for them, yelling something intelligible. Kylo bit back a smile and surrendered without needing to be forced, following the crowd out the back exit to the alley where they had been disposed.

Rey was cheering, arms raised above her head hollering. Kylo wouldn’t have been surprised if it was her plan the entire time to get kicked out. She had been escorted from a handful of places that he knew of before that night.

Phasma was propped up against her, trying to lead her away from the door. Finn and Poe had their arms around one another, leading the group through the streets. Supposedly, they knew where they were going. Kylo was less than convinced.

Beside him, Hux’s eyes darted anxiously around the street. He had never been the best in situations outside of his comfort zone, where there was no stable plan guiding him through life. Kylo remembered how he hated crowds, and being lost, and being drunk, and not being in charge, and-

Perhaps he was just drunk enough not to block his instincts, but Kylo found himself reaching out to take Hux’s hand in his own. Hux looked at him in complete shock, his hand limp in Kylo’s. Kylo looked back sympathetically, offering a small smile of reassurance.

Slowly, Hux let himself tighten his grip on Kylo’s hand. Their fingers fit together, the same way they had that morning, and their hands hung loosely by their sides. Hux kept looking to everyone else, like he was waiting for another member of the group to call them out.

Thankfully, everyone else was too drunk and wrapped up in their own expeditions to noticed. Hux relaxed more and more as the time passed, and the two seemed to drift closer to one another with every footstep. 

“Do you know where we’re going,” Hux asked quietly.

“Murphy’s Pub,” Kylo whispered back, “Rey said it’s a real scum-hole, so we might not get kicked out of this one,”

Hux chuckled softly at that, swinging their arms slightly as they walked. Kylo let Hux do whatever he pleased with his hand, and kept track of the little squeezes that occurred when Hux was feeling particularly nervous. 

“Bit pointless,” Hux noted, gesturing to their hands, “It’s not like I could get lost. I’m sure you can hear Phasma’s bleating from six streets away,”

Kylo snickered, nodding in agreement. Still, Hux didn’t make a move to drop their hands. Kylo caught himself smiling without realizing it, and blamed it on the alcohol. 

When they approached the bar, Kylo felt his heart drop. As they drew closer to the others, Hux pulled his hand away. Kylo felt a twinge in his heart, Hux’s desire not to be seen by the others obvious. He treated the two of them holding hands in the street like a dirty secret. 

Kylo ducked his head down, heading to the bar almost immediately. He barely caught the surprised look on Hux’s face, like he had expected him to follow behind. Instead, Kylo started drinking.

Despite fitting most of the typical artist stereotype, Kylo wasn’t a heavy drinker. It was saved moreso for special occasions, like a half a glass of champagne for gallery openings or a cocktail when going out to dinner with his mother.

However, Kylo threw caution to the wind. He figured that he deserved it, that it might help to numb the dull ache in his chest that had persisted since the second he saw Hux. In college, he had been able to handle his liquor with ease.

Adult Kylo was another story. He was affected more heavily than he remembered, and after a few hours of shots with Phasma he was practically tipping over in his chair. There was a hand on his shoulder, keeping him afloat.

“Huxy,” Kylo grinned, poking at his hand, “Hello Arm’s arm,”

Kylo burst into laughter, tipping forward and slapping his knee like he had made the funniest joke of the century. Hux looked surprisingly amused, and tilted his head slightly as he watched Kylo. When drunk, it was easier to interact. He liked it a lot more.

“You’re certainly enjoying that drink,” Hux noted with a smirk.

Kylo grinned, head lolling to one side. He was still leaning against Hux’s hand, happy to have any contact with the man no matter how small. Hux stared at him with something he couldn’t distinguish, no matter how hard he tried.

“It’s good,” Kylo nodded, “Want some?”

He held the glass out excitedly, and Hux stared right back at him. Kylo’s expression read like he would be heartbroken if Hux didn’t at least try it, so he leaned forward to wrap his lips around the straw and take a tiny sip.

“Good?” Kylo inquired.

“Good,” Hux confirmed, laughing softly. 

Phasma clapped a hand on Kylo’s shoulder, sudden and surprising. He jumped, and Hux stifled his laughter into his hand.

“I wish you wouldn’t do that,” Kylo complained loudly, “You’re so pretty when you laugh,”

Hux’s eyes widened slightly, and he tentatively removed his hand from the lower half of his face. Kylo reached out to touch the edges of his smile.

“Alright, drunky,” Phasma laughed, “Do you have it in you for another bar?”

Kylo raised his arms above his head, cheering weakly. More than anything, he wanted to take a nap. He looked around the room, and saw that Phasma had yet to round up the others. If he laid down for just a few minutes, maybe he could get some sleep.

Kylo laid his head down in his arms, snuggling into the fabric of his sweater. A sleepy smile spread across his face, and he let out a content sigh at the newfound ability to relax. There was a warm hand rubbing his back, and he keened into the touch.

“Just a quick one,” Kylo yawned, “Quick, tiny nap,”

Kylo let his eyes close, feeling the weight of his exhaustion take over. Alcohol always made him so tired, he realized. He was usually tired enough as it was, and hated how groggy his hangovers made him feel. Kylo let out a tiny cry of displeasure at the thought of a hangover the next morning.

“-just take him home?” Hux’s voice was muffled through the fabric of his sweater, and Kylo shifted slightly so that he might hear better.

“Are you sure you can manage… this?” Phasma laughed back.

“It’s no problem,” Hux assured her, “You saw the cab out front?”

“No more than two minutes ago, yeah,” Phasma confirmed, “Poor little Kylo couldn’t even make it through half of Rey’s schedule,” 

Kylo felt himself being pulled from the chair, and he immediately latched himself to the closest host. It turned out to be Hux, who simply laughed and slipped his arms around Kylo’s shoulder to help keep him upright. 

“Hi,” Kylo giggled in his ear.

“Hi, Kylo,” Hux returned easily, guiding him towards the door, “We’re going to get you home and in bed,”

“Oh, no,” Kylo pouted, “But I took a nap,”

Hux snickered, shaking his head as he led Kylo outside. He began to shiver immediately, tugging the sleeves of his sweater over his hands. Hux watched him, something fond in his gaze, before he carefully propped Kylo up against a lamp post.

“Stay,” he commanded gently, “I’m going to go talk to the cab driver,”

“Okay,” Kylo grinned, “I’ll miss you,” 

Hux looked at him peculiarly, and Kylo sadly dropped his grip on Hux’s hand. Staggering backwards, Hux seemed to hold his gaze for as long as possible. Kylo waved happily, putting all of his focus into standing straight and not swaying. 

“Come now,” Hux coaxed him from beside the cab.

Kylo stepped forward, focusing on seeming as sober as possible. It reminded him vaguely of college, when he drank way too much and let Hux tow him around town until they ended up back at the dorms.

Hux helped Kylo into the cab, climbing in next to him. Kylo didn’t listen to the address Hux gave to the driver, only settled happily into the seat and watched the buildings roll by outside the window.

Halfway through the ride, Kylo felt too tired to keep his eyes open anymore. His head lolled to the side, and he did his best to remain upright and attentive. Finally, Hux reached out to set Kylo’s head on his shoulder, offering him a pillow of sorts.

“Comfy,” Kylo whispered thankfully.

“Thank you,” he felt Hux’s smile against the top of his head.

“Reminds me of college,” Kylo exhaled slowly.

Hux simply hummed in response, lifting a hand to slowly stroke Kylo’s hair. With every touch, he felt the emotions he had been attempting to stifle rise up from his chest. Kylo wanted nothing more than to just tell Hux how he felt. 

“I love you,” he whispered, voice muffled by the fabric of Hux’s jacket.

“Hmm?” Hux asked, tone slightly teasing, “What’re you trying to say, Ky?” 

Kylo felt the tears well in his eyes. It was a sign, he told himself. He was getting a second chance not to blow everything he had been working towards for five years in a drunken mistake. They were doing well. They were rebuilding their friendship. Kylo didn’t have the right to throw that away. 

“Tired,” Kylo explained with a choked laugh.

“Course you are,” Hux rubbed his back, “You drank about half the bar,”

Kylo laughed against him, clutching Hux a little tighter. The car stopped in front of Luke’s estate, and Hux was there to help Kylo out of the taxi every step of the way. They walked together, Kylo leaning against Hux even though he was perfectly capable of moving on his own. 

“Kinda lame I could only make it til midnight,” Kylo hiccuped, “I’m an old man now,”

“You are,” Hux agreed, “But it’s okay. Makes me one too,”

Kylo stared at him, trying to hide his sadness. Hux didn’t seem to notice, too caught up in stripping his coat off as quietly as possible. Somewhere, there were real adults sleeping. It was one of the only things that kept Kylo from screaming. 

“Let’s go sit for a bit, yeah?” Hux offered.

Kylo nodded, letting himself be pushed ahead towards his room. Hux entered the room with him, plopping down onto Kylo’s bed and staring at him with a bright smile. Kylo sat beside him, back pressed against the array of pillows. 

They continued to joke around, to make fun of each other, to reminisce about their first months together attempting to figure out young adulthood. Kylo laughed until his stomach ached, staring at the ceiling between stolen glances at Hux.

He felt at home. Like the two of them had never stopped talking, like the last five years were a distant dream. The only thing Kylo was certain about in his drunken state was that he wasn’t ready to give this up again.

“I’m sorry I made you miss the rest of the bachelors’ party,” Kylo apologized, tracing the patterns of the quilt with the tips of his fingers.

Hux flipped onto his side, propping his head up with his elbow. He looked at Kylo, searching his expression for sarcasticness. Kylo looked back at him innocently, genuine in his apology. Hux rolled his eyes.

“Please,” he flopped back down onto the bed, “I’d much rather be here with you,” 

Kylo didn’t realize he had begun to cry until he tasted the tears. Hurriedly, he wiped them away, cursed the alcohol for his emotional outburst. Perhaps, he hoped, Hux wouldn’t noticed.

Hux did, however, catch on fairly quickly. He rolled onto his stomach, pushing himself up to get a better look at Kylo. Kylo simply looked away, holding his breath to prevent the trembling sobs that threatened to rack his body.

“Kylo?” Hux inquired softly, reaching out to touch his damp cheek, “What happened? What’s wrong?”

Kylo shook his head, offering a shaky laugh instead. He tried to play it off like it was simply due to being tired, or the vodka, or anything but the way his chest lurched at the feeling of Hux’s fingertips on him. 

“Hey,” Hux whispered softly, “Talk to me, would you?”

Kylo reached up, covering Hux’s hand delicately with his own. He wished, for once, that his face was easier to read. He wished that his eyes might tell Hux everything he was too afraid to say aloud. He wondered how he hadn’t been discovered yet. 

“You’re even better than I remembered,” Kylo murmured.

Hux pulled back slightly, like everything was clicking into place. Kylo felt his heart fall as the obvious shift in Hux’s mood. He watched his eyes dart around the room, falling anywhere but upon Kylo.

“Stop,” Hux demanded flatly.

“Stop what?” Kylo tried to laugh it off, and Hux yanked his hand back.

They sat in silence for a moment, Hux staring at the wall and Kylo staring at Hux. The excuses racked up in his head, trying to find an explanation for the interaction. The more he tried to cover his feelings up, the less he wanted to.

“I still love you,” Kylo admitted, voice barely audible.

“Kylo,” Hux warned, “Stop,”

Kylo shook his head, sitting up. The room was still spinning slightly, and he briefly wondered if he would regret this in the morning. No, he decided, this was what sober Kylo had been on the verge of doing all week.

“You need to know,” Kylo breathed, “How I feel about you Hux. I love-”

“You never loved me to begin with,” Hux cut him off, “Stop talking,”

Kylo felt like he had been slapped across the face. He sat, stunned, in silence. Hux didn’t acknowledge him, just looked over his nails from his spot on the edge of the bed. Kylo tried to remember when he had moved so far away.

“I did love you,” Kylo whispered, “I do love you,”

“Well that’s unfortunate, because I don’t feel the same way,” Hux snapped, “And I never did,”

Kylo felt his eyes well with tears, trying to process the words. No matter how many times he heard it, he still couldn’t believe it. He had experienced their relationship firsthand, he knew that Hux had feelings for him. It couldn’t have all been in his head.

“Why are you doing this,” Kylo gasped out, “Why are you lying?”

Hux laughed bitterly, shaking his head as he stood up. Kylo reached out for him, and Hux smacked his hand away. Recoiling, Kylo watched the man he considered to be the love of his life walk towards the door. It hurt no less than the last time.

Hux’s hand fit around the doorknob, but he didn’t turn it immediately. His back was facing Kylo, and the picture before him was so familiar Kylo couldn’t breathe. 

“Hux,” he rasped out, “Please, just-”

“You’re drunk,” Hux interjected.

“I mean it,” Kylo whimpered, “I love you,”

Hux paused, and for half a beat Kylo thought he might turn around and come back to him. Perhaps it would be the ending they didn’t get the first time, where Kylo was honest and Hux didn’t leave. 

He thought about tangled limbs, falling asleep wrapped up within each other. Cooking breakfast alongside each other as the sun rose. Dancing beneath the stars to cheesy love songs they were too caught up in to make fun of. Loving each other right. Making up for lost time. 

Hux walked out. Kylo sobbed into his pillow as the door clicked behind him.


	6. Biting Words

Sunlight broke through the opaque curtains, trembling from the wind. Kylo rolled over, wrist snapping down as his elbow landed on the edge of the bed. His eyes opened slowly, and he blinked several times before the cloudiness of his eyes evened out and he could examine the room properly.

There was something wrong within him, that much he could tell. Kylo stared at the wall, trying to understand why his chest felt like it had been torn open from the outside and filled with poison. Someone lay beside him, and for half a second his heart soared at the possibility. 

Kylo squeezed his eyes closed, unable in his first dazed seconds to remember the prayers his mother and father had taught him growing up. Before he could turn over, he felt the kick of a foot smaller than the man he expected. The tell tale snoring that came from beside him threw him for a loop, and he tried to organize the events of the previous night. 

“You’re such a blanket hog,” Rey mumbled sleepily from beside him, yanking back the duvet and disrupting his thought process. 

Kylo shifted back the opposite way to get a good look at her. Without question, he reached to the floor to grab a spare quilt from a shelf on the nightstand and draped it across the young girl. She snuggled into it, and he watched as her body deflated with the release of a deep sigh. 

They did not speak beyond that for a few moments. Kylo tried to trace exactly how their excursion had gone. They were kicked out of the strip club. They stumbled through the streets to some dingy pub in the basement of a foreclosed hotel. Kylo drank, and drank, and drank, and drank. Someone - Hux he remembered suddenly - brought him home. 

All at once Kylo was hit with his confession to Hux, that he had loved him all of this time. More importantly, he remembered the sharp slam of the door that divided the two of them, and closed any sliver of hope Kylo held in getting the man back into his life beyond the weekend wedding. Not only did he lose Hux romantically, not that he ever truly had him Kylo reminded himself, but their tentative friendship had been crushed beneath Kylo’s drunken impatience.

That’s where Rey came in, he remembered. She stumbled in shortly after Hux left, intent on waking Kylo up to pester him. When she saw that he was already awake, sitting on the floor amidst a bomb site of a room with tear tracks still staining his face, she fixed up the room around him and helped him into bed to catch his breath. 

Kylo did not need to ask her out loud to stay. She climbed in beside him, turning on her side to meet his eyes as they nestled themselves under the covers. Rey was always more than happy to sleep beside someone else, she was content in stealing all of their body heat and using them in whatever way would make her the most comfortable.

But this time, she kept her distance to not overwhelm Kylo. He felt sick from the alcohol, the room spinning round and round above him. When he got sick and threw the blankets back to bend over the side of the bed, she tied his hair back with the tie from her head, and rubbed his back until he stopped gasping. 

“You w-were wrong,” Kylo’s voice echoed from the bottom of the garbage pail, “He doesn’t love me. He n-never loved m-me,”

“Kylo-” Rey tried to interject but he simply shook his head.

“I told him, I’m such an idiot,” Kylo explained, sloppily wiping the corners of his mouth with the tissue Rey had handed him, “I told him I love him and he left. He said he never loved me and he slammed the door in my face and he left, Rey, he left me again,” 

Rey didn’t argue further, just pulled Kylo into her arms and stroked his back. They laid like that for some time, until Kylo’s breathing evened out and the room stopped spinning so quickly. When he had finally pulled himself together, Rey helped him to stand and led him from the bedroom down the hall. 

Their feet stuck to the hardwood floor, and Kylo counted every step. When they made it to the bathroom, Rey promised to wait outside for him so that he wouldn’t be alone in his journey back. Somehow, she had sobered herself up almost completely in order to watch after him. He cupped her cheek with one hand, trying to convey how thankful he was to have her without words. 

In the bathroom, he washed his face and brushed his teeth until he felt like he was clean once again. In the morning, he promised himself, he would scrub every inch of his body with exfoliant to remove anywhere that Hux might have touched. Then, he would be someone new. He would be someone who would move on, he told himself while staring at the blotchy skin of his cheeks in the mirror. 

“-in there?” Kylo was pulled from his trance by low whispers from outside the door. 

His head snapped to look towards it, focusing every ounce of his energy on listening to the conversation. He hoped more than anything that he hadn’t woken anyone up, especially the day before the wedding. Kylo crossed his fingers that rested at his sides.

“It’s fine,” Rey’s response was flat, “Go back to bed,”

“I can help-” Hux’s voice floated through the cracks in the door and Kylo stumbled backwards at the shock.

He covered his mouth with his hand, trying not to let out the bubbling sob that threatened to escape. It was too soon, he thought. Though, he reasoned with himself, any point would have felt too soon after the image of Hux shutting that door on him was burned into his brain.

“I think you’ve done enough for the night,” Rey interjected easily, and Kylo could sense the fire in her voice.

There was no response for some time, but Kylo noticed the lack of footsteps departing from the door. He clenched the sides of the sink, trying his best to decide whether or not to just walk out. For thirty seconds, his ears were met with silence that shook the heart in his chest. 

“Just tell me if… if he’s okay?” Hux murmured finally, and Kylo had half a mind to rip the door open and scream at him, tell him that it would take more than complete and utter heartbreak to ruin him.

When he looked in the mirror and saw the defeat behind his eyes, he wasn’t sure that it was as true as he might have hoped. Instead, he couldn’t even convince himself of the words. 

“You are the two most oblivious people I have ever met,” Rey sighed, the venom previously lacing her words having melted away, “Go to bed, Hux,”

There was the sound of fabric rustling, like Rey had clapped the other man on the shoulder. Within a few seconds, Kylo heard the ascending footsteps and felt the anxiety in his chest deflate slightly. When he opened the door, Rey reached up to squeeze his arm and led him back to bed. 

Kylo, having remembered as much of it as he expected to, let out a low groan. Rey scoffed from beside him, and shook her head. She held out a hand expectantly, and Kylo handed her one of the bottles of water from his nightstand. With her eyes still closed, Rey drank almost the entire thing in one go. 

“How do you feel?” Rey smiled cheerfully, bouncing to lay on her side and stare intently at Kylo.

He simply shook his head, massaging his temples. It was just before eight o’clock, which was plenty late to be waking up on the day of the wedding. From outside, he heard the low hum of the wedding party getting everything in order. He wondered how he would be able to face them.

“I made an ass of myself,” Kylo admitted, “And I was flat out rejected,”

“In his defense,” Rey offered gently, “You were insanely drunk,”

Kylo nodded, trying his best to see it from the other side. He hated himself for putting this stress on Hux as well, for absolutely destroying the delicate balance they had cultivated the day before the wedding. It was supposed to be fun, for Poe and Finn’s sake as well as their own. Instead, Kylo managed to do what he always did best and destroy it. 

“I have to go find him and apologize,” Kylo sighed, pushing himself up onto his elbows.

“Absolutely not,” Rey shook her head, “He does not have time for that today,”

Kylo let out a whine, burying his face in his hands. Rey tentatively patted his back, seemingly mulling over the options in her head. Kylo just wanted his headache to go away, and for his heart to stop feeling like it was in his stomach actively being digested. 

“Luckily for you, I think you can play it off perfectly. Just pretend like you don’t remember it, you were drunk enough that I’d believe it,” Rey chirped, content in her solution.

“It’s just one day,” Kylo agreed sullenly. 

Rey grabbed his shoulders, looking directly into his eyes. She was intense, waiting patiently for him to finally give her his full attention and stop panicking over what he truly ought to be doing. There was no way for him to think of a better plan, not with how he was feeling. If Kylo had it his way, he would be groveling at Hux’s feet begging for another chance to make him love him. 

“Don’t get bitter,” Rey demanded, “Get better,”

Kylo’s nose scrunched up as he digested the words. Rey seemed very content with the saying, but Kylo was almost physically nauseous. It was something his mother would have tagged him in on Facebook when she knew he was having a rough week, which felt surprisingly like what he needed in a sense.

“I got that from Leia,” Rey confirmed proudly, “She sent me a pillow stitched with it. I think she had it ordered though, not homemade,”

“That’s very on brand for her,” Kylo shrugged.

He looked longingly out the window, trying to savor the time he had to himself before they would be thrust into a day of hustle and bustle. This was the only time he would have alone until after the wedding, he knew, and he was not prepared for a full day of social interaction while suffering from a shattered heart. 

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” Rey tried to feign seriousness but ended up letting out a sharp laugh.

“I swear to God,” Kylo swallowed thickly, “This day is going to kill me,” 

Rey smiled sympathetically, patting his back one more time before she leapt from the bed. Kylo took a deep breath and grabbed his toiletries, following her tentatively from the room. She bounded up the stairs to do her own washing up while he locked himself in the bathroom, angrily brushing through his hair and tripping over himself as he tried to pull himself together.

“Don’t get bitter,” he repeated into the mirror, “Get better,” 

The carefully manufactured smile on his lips fell apart. He felt like an old woman whose husband cheated on her and left with all of the money repeating that ridiculous mantra. Briefly, he flashed back to the nights he used to accompany Hux to the bars, awkwardly waiting for him in the corner while he got just a little too friendly with the men lining the stools. 

Clutching the sink once again, Kylo wondered if he would ever rip himself from the loop. Wake up, remember Hux just long enough for it to hurt, carry on, lay down at night, be struck with the realization that he was truly alone and would never stop thinking about the stray red hairs that used to line his pillows. At least then there was some semblance of Hux to cling to. 

Now, his voice drifted anxiously from down the hall and Kylo had to promise himself that after two days he would never subject himself to something so miserable again. Never would he force himself to sit through what felt like his entire body rupturing just to placate friends. 

For five years, he waited around like a child hoping that the man he loved was still pining over him as well. The answer slapped him hard in the image of Hux shaking his head as he closed the door on a pleading Kylo, just like five years prior. 

“Let the past die,” Kylo murmured to his reflection, “Kill it,” 

The bathroom door swung open and Kylo felt a wave of new confidence. He returned his toiletries to his room and threw on a cable-knit sweater with some jeans, ignoring the little streaks of paint along his thighs that hadn’t quite washed away. He reasoned that they would be a reminder of what awaited him at home if he could just keep it together until then. 

Emerging from his room, Kylo mastered the most over the top grin he could manage. It was a day of happiness for his friends, he told himself, and he would not ruin it with his own melodrama. Instead, he would be the best damn best man he could manage, even better in fact. 

The first face he was greeted with was Poe, a wicked smile plastered over his face and his arms already outstretched to accept Kylo into them. Kylo rushed into the hug, the feeling of warmth spreading against his body a sharp contrast to the cold of his heart. 

“How are you feeling?” Kylo asked, checking Poe’s face for any spiked nerves.

Poe, unsurprisingly, looked like he was ready to skip the entirety of the day to the moment the vows would be exchanged. Kylo rolled his eyes and ruffled the man’s hair before clapping him on the shoulders. Poe stumbled over his words, thanking Kylo a thousand different ways for coming when he was always so busy with work at home. 

Before long, Finn was there to pull his fiancee back and reign him in ever so slightly. Finn offered a smile mixed between apologetic and thankful, and Kylo felt like he would vomit if he was exposed to this level of gush for much longer.

Something to do. He needed something to do. 

As if on cue, Hux’s panicked voice came floating from the kitchen. Kylo sucked in a deep breath, offering his congratulations distractedly as he made his way to the next room. From behind him, he heard Finn curtly shush a whisper that had escaped Poe’s lips, but he couldn’t turn to face them. He knew what it was about without having to look.

The kitchen was a warzone. Kylo pressed himself to the wall as people poured in and out, carrying handmade centerpieces and binders and freshly pressed outfits from one side of the house to another. In the center of the storm, Hux stood like a general, ordering everyone this way and that while barking orders into his Bluetooth. 

Kylo found himself smiling. 

It was as if the Hux he knew had only amplified over the years. His orders were succinct and precise, the legal pad in front of him filled with checks as his every request was fulfilled by those around him. The sun had risen barely hours before, but it seemed as if he had been going for hours.

If he only ever heard Hux’s angry orders for the rest of his life, he would be content in just hearing the man’s voice.

Kylo felt guilt rising within him. The last thing that Hux needed the night prior was a drunken confession of love by a man he had not seen in half a decade. He imagined the anxiety he had caused, the trouble he stirred up for Hux, who was just trying his best.

In the back of his mind, Kylo wondered if Hux would ever forgive him. It certainly wasn’t the time nor place for a full apology, he knew that. But maybe, he reasoned, maybe he would be able to show his sincerity in another way.

“Hux,” Kylo’s voice was gentle as it sliced through the mayhem.

Suddenly, everything stopped. The people around them were moving, yes, the voices were still rising, of course, but Hux stood frozen in his spot amidst the crowd. He looked at Kylo incredulously, like he had forgotten he would have to see him at all.

“This isn’t-” Hux started quickly, eyes darting to those around them. 

He was trying to make sure no one else was picking up on the tension, Kylo knew that. Hux was not about to have his authority undermined by a tearful apology, or worse, further confession of feelings, at 8 o’clock in the morning on the day of a wedding he had thrown himself into planning. 

Kylo felt a punch in the gut at the thought of Hux assuming he would do such a thing. 

He looked down to his hands and remembered the night before. Perhaps it wasn’t the most incredulous thing to believe that he would throw a wrench into Hux’s carefully planned wedding. The sudden onset wave of hatred ripped through him and he blinked back tears.

“You said you would have a list of things I could help with today,” Kylo blurted out quickly, an easy laugh escaping his lips. 

For a moment, pure confusion could not escape Hux’s expression. Kylo maintained his jovial expression, trying to pass it off like nothing. When Hux took a few seconds to answer, Kylo quirked an eyebrow like he didn’t understand the hesitation.

It was now or never, he decided. He would kill the past through the largest performance of his life. Kylo Ren would convince Hux that he didn’t remember every word of truth that sprang from his lips the night before and confirmed everything he was sure the other man assumed throughout the weekend. 

“What, did you think I wouldn’t be able to recover from last night?” Kylo smirked.

Hux’s face paled further, and he tripped over his words ever so slightly as he barked out the next round of commands to the onlookers that had flooded the kitchen. Kylo noticed the way his hands shook as he crossed out another line of tasks.

“So I blacked out,” Kylo lied easily, “What, did I say something to make you think I would back out of helping? I have a habit of spewing bullshit when I’m drunk, if you can remember,”

Kylo did his best to portray genuine confusion. In reality, he knew exactly why Hux was so thrown with his ease in strolling into the kitchen and speaking to him. When Hux turned back to him, Kylo couldn’t read his eyes. Had he not remembered every soul crushing detail of the night prior, he might have mistakenly read it as something like heartbreak. 

“Blacked out,” Hux repeated distantly, like he was processing the words.

“I don’t really remember much after the bar,” Kylo’s hands moved around to hopefully distract from the pain behind his gaze, “Rey says you brought me home, which I hope to make up to you today by doing everything I possibly can to have this run smoother,”

Hux nodded solemnly, and Kylo watched the way he was redirecting his thoughts. It resembled programming, he had often laughed when Hux did it years before. He would have thought he was a robot had he not felt his warmth as he slept and heard his vicious snores when he was sick.

Kylo pulled himself from the past. He was right earlier, there was no sense in clinging to such a ridiculous fantasy any longer. Instead, he grounded himself in reality and held out to take the poorly torn paper that Hux’s shaking hand passed onto him. 

He feigned another smile, reading it over in his head to make sure he understood every item on the list. The last thing he wanted was to burden Hux by calling him every other minute for some clarification. Of course, Hux had the details listed to the exact moment Kylo should be accomplishing everything. 

He held up the paper triumphantly, a sign that he understood what he was meant to do. The kitchen had cleared out, everyone having a more time consuming task to attend to instead of moving things around. Kylo turned to walk out the door, and resisted the urge to look behind his shoulder. 

“Kylo,” Hux’s voice called out suddenly, sharp and seemingly scared. He cleared his throat. 

Turning around slowly, Kylo met Hux’s eyes. He looked desperate, like he was waiting for something more than what he had been given. Kylo searched his gaze, willing to give anything it would take to see those eye crinkles that he had been torn between hating in the last few days. 

“Last night, after the bar,” Hux started slowly, “You don’t remember any of it?” 

For a moment, there was only silence between them. The chatter from the rest of the house sounded like static to Kylo’s ears, taking up nothing but background noise. He opened his mouth to speak, to admit that he remembered every second of the night before and meant every word now just as much as then.

“Should I?”

He decided against it. 

-


	7. Wolves Howling

Wedding bells tolled off rhythm to the erratic thudding in Kylo’s chest. The scenes around him played out in slow motion, like he was a passive onlooker instead of an active participant. Had he not felt the low rumble of his own voice deep in his throat, he would not have realized he was speaking. 

Poe’s arm was wrapped over his shoulder, cementing him to the steps of the museum entrance that was already teeming with people. In his head, he tried once again to make sense of the day’s events. In his heightened anxiety, time felt like a disorganized puzzle instead of a straight line. Poe’s fingers dug deeper into his shoulder and he wondered why he could not feel the pain.

The flash of a camera left his gaze blackened as he looked around, desperate for one clue as to how he should be acting. The grotesque smile that plagued his face for the day was still plastered on, for appearances rather than genuity in the current moment. He reached back in his mind to a time when the smile was real, and felt his nerves steady out at the flood of warmth.

The glass ceiling of the observatory shone with reds and pinks from the setting sun, resembling the budding blush lining Poe’s cheeks.. Father up in the sky, the first twinkling stars began to emerge, like everyone in the night sky was trying to sneak a peek into the wedding. 

Finn was walking down the aisle. The moment his eyes met Poe’s, it was as if no one else in the room existed. His pace fell out of time with the music, seemingly desperate to just make it to the altar. Kylo watched them with adoration threatening to send him into convulsions it was so strong. When he saw the budding tears in his best friend’s eyes, he found a very internal part of himself wishing for that same feeling.

As if pulled by a magnet, his gaze met Hux’s. He sat in the front row, obviously on edge to make sure everything was going perfectly and according to plan. A strand of his fiery hair fell from where the rest had been perfectly gelled, but he made no effort to swipe it back. Kylo wondered briefly if the feeling of Hux’s beard on his cheek would tickle or scratch. 

Hux did not look away to remind Finn to stay on beat to the music. He did not flinch at the gentle laughter that surrounded him, endeared by the obvious desire of both men to just finish with the formalities and get married already. Those green eyes pierced him, asking for something that Kylo could not discern.

For Hux, he would have given anything.

With a flash of another bulb, the memory cut short. Kylo pulled himself back into reality, reminding himself that it would just be a few more pictures of the wedding party and family before he would be allowed to disappear into the background of the reception. 

Arms encircled his waist, and Kylo melted into Poe’s embrace. It would be one of the last times they would really see each other for months, he knew. The two were too busy, too far apart to make casual time for one another. 

“Well don’t look at me like that,” Poe chuckled, but there was something nostalgic in his eyes.

Kylo remembered when he had laughed out the same words over a decade before, lying placidly on the floor of the Solo’s basement with a lit joint positioned between his lips. Kylo thought he was in love with him. 

In that moment, Kylo saw his pain as neverending. It was laughable, really, how he convinced himself there was nothing outside of the scope of what his heart desired. Even fifteen years later, he was held up in the same cycle of romanticized emotions.

When he looked at Poe now, all he felt was happiness for his best friend and a selfish longing to just sit around and admire him for a few minutes longer. But, he was able to let go as he had been then. Perhaps, Kylo considered, there was hope for him after all.

Bright red stood out from a dozen feet over, and Kylo did not turn his head. He kept all attention on his friend, on the man he flew across the ocean despite an intense fear of airplanes for, the man that he openly exposed himself to fresh openings of old wounds just to please. 

“You’re my best friend,” Kylo whispered into his ear, giving him one last sturdy hug. 

“Don’t let Rey hear that,” Poe’s voice was thick, like he was trying to hold back a flood with simply his smile, “She’d kill us both,” 

As Kylo pulled back, Poe gripped onto his upper arms. His eyes spoke every word that his lips had been unable to. For half a second, it was two fourteen year olds alone in a dirty bedroom wallpapered with metal band posters. 

The feeling was fleeting, and in the next breath Poe was being dragged away by another family member for another photograph. Their fingers brushed as he stumbled backwards, and Kylo was left alone amidst the commotion.

“Let the past die,” he whispered to himself once again, resolution hanging low in his gut. 

Kylo waded through the crowd of people, doing his best to avoid one man in particular. When his gruff voice called out, every hair on Kylo’s body stood on end. From across the way, he saw his father with an arm cast around his mother. 

He had rolled in late, about ten minutes before the service began, and plopped down next to Leia like nothing was wrong. Kylo watched them from his place on the altar, wanting nothing more than for her to tell him to leave for good this time.

Instead, she melted into his side.

Kylo wondered why she went back to him, again and again, over and over. He was nothing but pain for her, nothing but toxins that clouded every aspect of her life. He was selfish, and thoughtless, and embarrassing to make excused for. 

There was a part of him that wanted to make Leia decide between the two of them. Then, he thought, she would be able to either get rid of him for the rest of her life, or Kylo wouldn’t be trapped watching the revolving door of Han Solo appearances.

“Benny,” Han grinned at him, and Kylo ignored the name. There was no sense in causing a fuss when he just had to make it through the reception.

“Hi, Dad,” Kylo sighed, allowing himself to be pulled in for a hug.

“How ya doin’, kid?” Han shoved his hands into his pockets awkwardly, and Leia smoothed out his jacket.

Kylo looked to her, trying to get across to her what a horrible idea it was for this man to be here. She shot him a warning look, and he instead plastered a smile to his face and began discussing work. Of course, his father didn’t completely understand just what his job entailed. 

Han would never fully get over the ‘starving artist’ stereotype in his head. In his eyes, if Kylo wasn’t a world renowned artist then he had failed and certainly wasn’t making any money. No amount of Kylo explaining his gallery would help that. 

“So good to see you,” Han grinned, “It’s been too long,”

“Well,” Kylo grimaced, “If you’re ever in the city-”

“The city?” Han huffed, “And what’s wrong with you coming home? You have enough time for a four day drinkin’ vacation across the ocean-”

“Now, Han,” Leia interjected, “You know Kylo is busy with work. This is a special occasion,”

“And my birthday party wasn’t?” Han held up his hands in surrender when Leia shot him another look, and finally stopped arguing. 

“Great to see you,” Kylo lied, “I’ve got to go get ready for the rest of the reception, but I’ll see you around,” 

Kylo walked away without another word, and tried to will the rising blush away from his cheeks. It was disgusting, he thought, to show so much emotion over a man that deserved nothing. He hated himself for his dependence on people that obviously cared nothing for him. 

-

Kylo sat through speech after speech in the reception, trying his best to calm his nerves before it was his own chance to speak. Rey knocked it out of the park, somehow getting everyone to laugh through their sobs without missing a beat. Kylo swallowed thickly, and ran his hands anxiously through his hair. 

When his turn came, he stood with knees that knocked together and almost spilled his entire glass of water. Chuckles spread throughout the room, and he shook his head as he simply shrugged it off. 

“For those who don’t know me, I’m Kylo. I’ve been friends with Poe since we were kids, and have been chosen as his best man today solely because it’s in poor taste to have Finn double as two members of the wedding party,” Kylo began, and Poe howled from beside him.

Kylo made it through the anecdotes with ease, discussing the moment that each of the grooms walked into his life and how much they had changed since then. From the crowd, he saw the tear drops slipping down his mother’s cheeks and his voice caught.

“I can see my mom crying in the audience, which isn’t new, she has cried at least fifteen times in the last day alone,” Kylo admitted.

The crowd laughed politely, and Leia waved him off. Han pressed a kiss to her cheek and began to wipe away the tears, as if he had not known she was crying before. Beside him, Poe and Finn were so wrapped up in one another, Kylo wondered how much of his speech they had even heard.

“I say this because I learned a great deal about emotions from my mother. This speech, every interaction I have, for a long time I thought I was just a clone of her. But Finn and Poe,” Kylo turned to them with a small smile, “You two have taken every lesson my mother gave me growing up and put it into context. Being around the two of you is sickening, don’t get me wrong, but just five minutes of interacting with you has taught me that every fairytale I was read growing up is possible,” 

Kylo laughed to will away the tears, reaching down to bop both of them on the tips of their noses. Poe swatted him away, and Finn snuggled closer to his husband.

“For a long time, I’ve been too busy with work, too secured in my past mishaps, too afraid of love to really give it a chance. But this weekend, watching the two of you, it has reminded me that nothing in the world has ever made me feel quite as good as the feeling of someone I adore sitting beside me,” Kylo admitted softly. 

When he looked out, Hux’s eyes were secured on him. He could not speak for a few seconds, too entranced by the look of pure helplessness that was being thrown in his direction. Kylo regained himself after a moment, raising his glass to toast to his best friends. 

Everyone around him cheered wildly, toasting to Poe and Finn and clapping as they shared a sweet kiss. Kylo was seated once again, and let his eyes return to his lap. Still, he felt Hux’s gaze on him for some time until another speaker took the stage. 

Some time later, Kylo ended up with a flute of champagne resting in front of him on a clothed table. He watched the dance floor fill, and Poe and Finn show off their immaculately choreographed movements like something out of a musical. For some songs, he threw himself into the crowd, but in the moments it became too much he reverted to his quiet corner amidst the elders. 

From a table or two away, he caught a glimpse of another onlooker. She held a glass of whiskey in her palm, staring directly onto the dancefloor unabashedly. Kylo smiled at the spunk, and before he realized what he was doing he found himself seated next to her. 

“Rose,” he murmured softly, and she nodded in response.

Kylo followed her eyes, and unsurprisingly it landed promptly on Finn. He was twirling with his new husband, head thrown back laughing like no one was watching. Rose’s grip on the glass became a little tighter before the dark liquor disappeared past her lips.

“I’m…” Kylo started, but swallowed thickly, “Are you-”

“Don’t apologize,” Rose shook her head quickly, “And I’m fine,”

Kylo was silent, but a nearly tangible uneasiness hung in the air. They sat quietly until the song ended, and Rose reached out to snatch the champagne from his hand. It was swallowed in one go, and she turned to face him finally.

“Really, I am,” she assured him with something of a sad smile.

Kylo did not press further, just let his eyes drift back to the dancefloor. Rose and Finn were something that had happened years before, when the two were still in highschool together. It was both of their first relationships, Kylo knew that much.

Beyond that, he was unsure. He and Rose had not interacted frequently, moreso through their mutual friends. Still, she looked as if she was enduring something similar to his internal feelings of the weekend. There was something inside him that couldn’t quite leave.

“You think your life will be like a movie,” Rose said finally, “Like the ending is so obvious to everyone but you, and so you try to find what feels the most obvious, and you cling to it, and then it just…” 

Rose’s eyes once again landed on Finn. There was a smile of genuine affection plastered to her face, and Kylo understood her words. Of course she felt nothing romantically for him anymore, they had been a quick high school fling almost a decade ago. 

But there was the feeling that one had of everything just working out in the end, like it would come full circle and make complete and total sense by the end of it. Kylo let his eyes follow Hux along the dance floor for half a second before he turned his attention back to the woman.

“You get it,” She smirked, gesturing to the man he had been watching.

“Hux and I are…” Kylo tried his best to find the right word.

Rose waited patiently, a knowing look in her eyes. Exes, of course, Kylo thought, but there was something so dirty about the word he couldn’t quite manage it. Friends, not quite, though there was fleeting hope of having gotten to that point. He stared at Hux, trying his best to place his finger on just what the two of them were, when it hit him all at once like a train and knocked the breath from his lungs.

“Nothing,” Kylo admitted softly, “Hux and I are nothing,” 

He wasn’t quite dancing out there, moreso trying to make sure everyone was satisfied and that there was nothing more he could do in the moment to help. When satisfied, Kylo watched as he crossed the room to throw himself into a chair and flip over his binder. It pained him to not be surprised by a single action of the other man, to still feel like he knew him so intimately he could predict his every move. 

“But you thought you would get a twist ending that everyone else saw coming from a mile away,” Rose’s voice was distant, and Kylo found himself nodding. 

“Bitter exes being reunited five years later at a wedding they’re both in the party for,” Kylo let out a defeated laugh, “It sounds like the tagline for a romantic comedy,”

Somewhere in the back of his heart, he had secretly hoped for it to work out the way it would be expected to. They would become closer, they would realize their own harbored feelings, they would leave bread crumbs of clues until everything came together in some revelation spectacular. 

They would somehow find their happily ever after amidst myriad obstacles. 

“Life isn’t a movie,” Rose clapped a hand on Kylo’s back, “And you’re not the star,”

In the next moment, she was integrated on the dancefloor, holding Finn’s hands as he twirled her and laughing so loudly Kylo could hear it from where he sat across the room. The words played back in his mind. She looked genuinely happy, he realized, like the acceptance of chaos had freed her from whatever expectations were holding her back.

Kylo shoved himself from the chair, stalking quickly across the room. On his way, he finished off a glass or two of random champagne from whatever tables he passed, trying to clear his own mind and follow in Rose’s footsteps. 

No expectations, he promised himself, no pretending that this would turn out like the movies he watched alone in bed at 3 in the morning after the anniversary of his having met Hux passed, or when he happened to stumble upon a picture of him with his cat, or when he remembered that tinkling laughter that just-

“Hux,” Kylo’s voice was gruffer than he meant, and he cleared his throat.

Not having heard him approach, Hux looked up in complete surprise. He glanced around the room, trying to place the context of the encounter. Kylo found his voice caught in his throat, and tried to go over the game plan in his mind that he had conveniently forgotten to craft.

“I was looking for you earlier,” Hux chirped finally, “I wanted to thank you for everything, Kylo, you really saved my ass with all of the work-”

“Hux,” Kylo repeated, “Enough talking about work,”

Hux looked perplexed, like he was trying to understand just what Kylo meant. Kylo himself wasn’t completely sure, just knew that he couldn’t bear to sit from the other side of the room at his best friend’s wedding and feel the guilt of Hux not enjoying himself eat away at him.

He wished he did not care. 

Kylo stretched out his hand and Hux simply stared at it without moving. Wiggling his arm, Kylo jerked his head in the direction of the dancefloor, like the implication was obvious. Hux still searched his expression for something else.

“You planned this whole thing,” Kylo spoke slowly, “Now, it’s time to enjoy it, Armitage,” 

“I told you not to call me-” Hux started.

Kylo huffed and grabbed the man’s arm, tugging him effortlessly up from the chair. Hux stumbled forward, hand flying out to press against Kylo’s chest to steady himself. It wasn’t needed, Kylo thought, as he would never have let him fall. 

They did not speak again for the time being, just walked awkwardly side by side to join the rest of their friends. It took some time for him to warm up, but aided by the amount of alcohol Kylo handed him Hux was soon jumping around in the circle calling out the words to the music effortlessly. 

Before long, his tie was loosened and the top three buttons of his dress shirt were undone. Kylo returned both of their jackets to the wedding party’s table without being asked, and laughed as the carefully gelled hair that Hux worked so hard to pull back slipped strand by strand from its cage.

They danced like children, not gracefully whatsoever and tripping over one another as they tried to balance footwork with remembering the lyrics to the songs. More than once, Kylo had reached forward to steady Hux’s hips when he jumped too high and landed improperly. 

Poe and Finn laughed from beside them, cheering Hux on excitedly. Rey joined in, pulling up her long dress just enough so that she could show Hux how to ‘drop it low’ as she called it. Phasma twirled in and out, each time with another man or woman in tow that was one of her many contenders to take home for the night. 

It reminded Kylo of their freshman year excursions to frat parties and bars, with Hux finally letting himself loose after working himself nearly to death between his credit load and extra curriculars. Those were the first nights Kylo felt himself falling in love with the other man.

Your life is not a movie, he reminded himself, and the love you feel for Hux is not reciprocated. 

The mantra played in his head over and over, until Kylo stopped having to remind himself. For the first time all weekend, there was nothing hidden in his gaze. The only thing he desired was time with his friends, and the ability to have one last crazy night with someone that had been such a strong impact on his life. He stopped letting his emotions override that. 

The music died down to something softer, and Kylo watched as people began to either pair off or resort back to their spots at the tables. Kylo made the move to walk back to his seat, but Hux caught him by the wrist. Their eyes met, and Hux beamed.

“Don’t think you’re getting out of it that easily,” Hux grinned, “You’re an old man now. Once you sit, that’s the end of your dancing for the night,”

Kylo laughed, and shrugged in agreement. There was no pang in his chest, no secret desire to wrap himself completely in Hux’s arms and never let go. He allowed himself to be placed exactly where the other man wanted, and rested a hand at the small of Hux’s back. 

“You were always so good at this,” Hux admitted quietly, voice barely carrying over the music.

“Dancing?” Kylo chuckled, shaking his head, “You used to say I have two left feet,”

Hux was silent, like he had been thinking of something else entirely. He did not correct Kylo, only took half a step closer so that their chests brushed against one another. Instinctively, Kylo felt his grip tighten. 

“After this,” Hux murmured, “Where do you go?”

“To bed,” Kylo joked with a laugh.

Hux looked up at him expectantly, and it was Kylo’s turn to try and read between the lines. Something kicked his heart, and he repeated every grounding thing that he had tried to remember over the course of the night to pull him back from the ledge he was so close to throwing himself from.

“You know what I mean,” Hux murmured.

“To New York,” Kylo answered finally, “I had half a mind to leave right after my speech, to be honest. I’ve taken too much time away from work,”

Hux laughed, like Kylo stole the words right from his mouth. In a way, he supposed that he had. They had been in the same city for years, and yet they never so much as caught a glance at one another in the street. Kylo saw a piece of him in everyone he passed. 

“Perhaps,” Hux’s voice was low, “We could grab a drink sometime, back home, I mean,” 

Kylo did not let the words throw him. It was merely manners, he promised himself, and the two were both so busy that it was unlikely to ever truly pan out. Instead, he realized, he would have to put on a brave face and make these pretend plans with Hux for the next few minutes.

“A drink sounds fantastic,” Kylo admitted truthfully. 

“Good,” Hux confirmed with a curt nod, “Well you… you have my information,”

“And you have mine,” Kylo offered.

What laid between them could not be discerned, but Kylo caught himself mistaking it for something deeper than an uncomfortable acquaintanceship. He figured it was best to get over the feelings now, to pull away and excuse himself to the bathroom, but before he could manage he found Hux dropping his head to rest on his shoulder.

Kylo held him as tightly as he could without hurting the other man. He buried his face in Hux’s hair and breathed in slowly, dizzied by the onset of memories that wracked his body. All this time, and he hadn’t changed his shampoo. 

Hux mumbled something into him, muffled by the fabric of Kylo’s shirt. He made no effort to repeat himself, just swayed gently with him for the final thirty seconds before the music started to die out. Unable to help himself, Kylo left a gentle kiss on the side of Hux’s head, just above his ear. The other man’s body shuddered in his arms, but he took his time to pull back when the song ended and shifted into something more upbeat. 

“It’s almost over,” Hux whispered, seemingly trying to get something across without actually saying it. 

“Almost,” Kylo confirmed.

When everyone else left, Kylo stayed behind to help Hux clean up the last of the mess that the planner was responsible for. They loaded the car with everything that hadn’t already been cleared out, and Kylo slipped behind the driver’s seat.

“Thank you,” Hux whispered from the passenger side, clicking his seat belt. 

“There’s no way I would have let you behind the wheel,” Kylo chuckled, and Hux waved him off. 

“I’m fine,” Hux stared forlornly out the window, like he was trying to disappear into the night sky.

The car did not move for a moment. Kylo stared at the gear shift, and then looked to Hux. The man made no effort to meet his eyes, and he wondered what he was hiding behind them. Reaching out, he placed the tips of his fingers on the hand resting in Hux’s lap.

“Are you?” he asked gently.

Hux did not answer. He simply broke down, burying his face in his hands and turning his body away out of embarrassment. Kylo tried to soothe him, and rubbed down his back while begging him over and over again to just tell him what was wrong.

Hux did not speak the entire drive home, but slowly melted into Kylo’s persistent rubbing from his shoulders to his arms, and even a few times when he carded his fingers through that ginger hair. By the time they pulled into the driveway, he was stoic and silent.

Kylo helped Hux from the car, and led him through the house up to the bedroom he had been assigned. Hux still did not speak, like he was in a trance, and Kylo blamed it on the alcohol. Halfway through Kylo helping the man into bed, his eyes snapped up.

“I don’t want to sleep here,” his words spilled out over one another, “I don’t want to sleep alone,” 

It took a moment for Kylo to fully understand. Hux looked far more sober than he had been on the dancefloor, and he tried to piece together the last drink he saw him swallow. 

“I’m not drunk,” Hux interjected, “And I don’t want to sleep alone,”

Kylo did not say anything more, and Hux reached down to entwine their fingers. There was something more in his eyes, like there had been for the entire weekend. Kylo nodded, and led the two of them down the creaking stairs.

When they arrived at Kylo’s door, he paused. Hux pushed through, tugging Kylo behind him. The room was small, smaller than it had ever felt before. The queen sized bed before them looked like it might not hold two men of their size, and Kylo remembered when they used to both cram themselves into a Twin. 

Kylo left the room to wash up for bed, running over the events in his head. He knew when he returned, Hux would have vanished. He would have come to his senses and run off, leaving him once again without a second thought. Kylo tried to even out his breathing as he scrubbed his face.

The door opened slowly, scratching slightly along the wood floor. Kylo’s foot stepped onto the plush rug, and his breath caught in his throat. Nestled beneath his blankets, in his bed, Hux laid curled up on the same side he had always taken years before. 

Kylo was quiet as he climbed into the bed, tugging the blankets up to his shoulder and settling in anxiously. Immediately, Hux’s leg wrapped itself between his in the same way he had always done to connect the two.

“It smells of you,” Hux observed about the pillow, “Did you switch sides?”

Kylo could not help but smile. Five years later and he remembered so easily, he remembered all of the things that Kylo tried to stifle in the back of his mind. Hux reached up to tuck a fallen strand of Kylo’s dark hair behind his ear as he awaited the answer.

“After you left,” Kylo murmured, “I stayed on the side that smelled like you,”

Hux was floored by the honesty, by the visceral pain that escaped Kylo’s throat. He did not say anything further, just stroked the pad of his thumb down from the man’s temple to his chin. Kylo stroked the thick beard, almost laughing aloud at how foreign it felt to him. 

Kylo held his breath, his heavy eyes blinking longer and longer. He remained awake, remained watching Hux across from him who was still stroking his cheekbone despite looking fast asleep. Kylo imagined the pain of waking up alone, of this all being a dream. He imagined how much worse it would feel to have been real, and ripped from his grasp without his realization.

Kylo promised himself to stay awake, to soak up every second between the two until Hux inevitably crawled from his arms once again. He could barely keep his eyes open, but he continued to watch Hux. 

After what felt like hours, Hux opened his eyes once more to meet Kylo’s.

“Go to sleep,” he murmured, the sound of his voice going straight to Kylo’s heart.

There was no verbal answer, but Kylo looked almost petrified at the thought of closing his eyes. With one blink, he could lose everything that he spent five years pining for. Hux seemed to understand his worry, and leaned forward ever so slightly so press their trembling lips against one another. 

“I won’t leave,” Hux promised softly, “Not again,” 

Kylo felt his body slip into a heavy sleep. The dreams he had were a flash of vivid color, changing rapidly, but with one thing remaining the same. Hux’s laughter filled his dreams, carrying from breakfasts in bed to trips around the world in what felt like years between the two. He remembered the feeling of Hux’s hands cupping his face and wondered how he would survive without the touch for more than a minute. 

When he awoke, Kylo reached out sleepily to pull Hux closer to him without opening his eyes. His hand was met with the tightly made side of the other bed, cold. In a sudden frenzy, Kylo shoved himself up onto his palms and looked wildly around the room.

It was a dream, he told himself, the entire thing was a dream. He felt disoriented, unaware of what was real and what was not. In his meltdown, he almost did not notice the few red hairs that lined the pillow beside him.

Kylo stopped, leaning down to hold the fallen strands. They smelled of his shampoo, the other side of the bed was thick with the scent of his cologne. Looking to the door, Kylo waited for the moment when Hux would come bounding through the door with a bottle of water and Advil, apologizing profusely for scaring him.

That moment did not come. 

Instead, Kylo pulled himself from bed and staggered into the kitchen. Rey and Phasma sat with Luke, bickering over whether or not they should make more food for when everyone else awoke. When Kylo entered, they all beamed unknowingly. 

“There he is,” Luke grinned, arms open and welcoming.

“G’morning,” Kylo slid into one of the chairs, looking around.

“Hungover again?” Phasma snorted from beside him, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” 

Kylo forced a laugh that caught in his throat. He poured himself a glass of water from the jug in front of him and tried to sort out everything that was happening around him. 

“Who else is still here?” Kylo yawned casually, stretching his arms behind his back.

The wait for the answer felt like an eternity. Rey listed off a few people still left in the house, the rest having gone to hotels or having left early in the morning to catch a flight home. Poe and Finn were gone for good on their honeymoon, and Kylo’s parents had left directly after the wedding as well. 

“Oh and Hux,” Phasma butted in, “He left about an hour and a half ago. But he went around to say his goodbyes to everyone, he told me, not that you’d really remember if you were asleep,”

Kylo stared into his water before him, trying his hardest not to implode. Hux was gone. Hux had left him after he looked him in the eyes and promised not to. Hux had kissed him, and held him, and slept beside him like it didn’t throw a wrench into everything Kylo had worked so hard to change, and then he had woken up and left without a single word. 

“I won’t leave,” Hux had promised softly, “Not again,” 

Kylo wondered when he would finally see it coming, and more importantly when it would stop hurting.


	8. Still

Kylo went home. 

The rolling expanse of green that passed by the car window on his drive to the airport threatened to consume him as they traveled. Rey shot concerned looks in his direction, her voice muffled in the background of his own thoughts.

“It’s over,” Kylo interrupted her questioning.

“Kylo,” She sighed, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter, “You say this every time-”

“He lied,” Kylo’s voice hitched slightly, “I don’t… I can’t hold onto someone who can’t see how much everything he does kills me. Or, worse, who sees it and continues to hurt me anyways,”

Rey was quiet. She did not press Kylo to tell her everything that happened, it was easy to understand that Hux had ripped his heart from his chest yet again. Only a few hours prior she walked into the room Hux had been assigned to find Kylo on his knees with the throw blanket gripped between his fingers. 

Perhaps, there was a world where the two of them could have worked. If Kylo was able to properly express his emotions, and Hux wasn’t so terrified to form any attachments to people that truly cared for him. But, Kylo realized, they did not live in that world. 

“Someday,” Kylo murmured as they approached the airport, “Someday I promise I’ll get my shit together,”

Rey put the car into park, looking over at Kylo with a watery expression. The two did not see as much of each other as they grew up, both leading their individual lives. But Rey had been there through what felt like it all. Kylo held onto her, sucking in a deep breath and burying his face in her shoulder. 

“It’ll pass,” Rey promised him, “It’ll feel silly to have gotten worked up over in time,”

Kylo let out a strangled laugh, certain that she was right but too caught up in his anguish to really see it. His rationality had gotten better over the years, he knew, but it didn’t make the pain any easier. It only made him angry that he could not control it better. 

And then he was gone.

The airport and the ride on the plane all blurred together, and before Kylo could catch his breath he was face down in his own bed. He let out a relieved cry, snuggling into his pillows and spreading his body across every inch of the bed.

Within minutes, he was fast asleep. For once, Kylo did not wake up through the night and slept right up until his alarm went off the next morning. He stretched his arms above his head, slapping the button on his phone and something like hope sat pleasantly in his chest.

He would get through this. Kylo promised himself that he would live the day like any other, and pay no attention to the hidden desire to call Hux and scream into the phone, to melt back into the man he had been years prior and take out all of his frustration on the man who had seemingly caused it.

The first week felt almost impossible. Kylo caught himself zoning out every so often, tracing his lips where Hux had kissed them, somehow ending up on the other man’s social media, standing in the bathroom with hands shaking so hard they almost dropped his phone as he stared at the ‘Call Armitage Hux’ button. 

It was pain on top of pain, every second of every day, and Kylo wondered at points if he would survive it. Certain points felt like he was unable to breathe, like when Hux walked out the door he had taken Kylo’s lungs with him.

He stayed up too late, throwing paint at canvases and carving his shattered heart into monstrous molds of clay. Kylo tried everything he possibly could to find some release, to find something that might get the ache in his chest to dull for even a moment. 

The next week was easier, if only slightly. Kylo thrust himself into his work, and forced himself to plan one of the largest events he had managed thus far with about half the planning time. Rey sat on the other side of his computer, begging him to get some sleep, but Kylo found the sweet spot of delusion if he would just stick to two or three hours scattered throughout the day. 

Every second he did his best to have something in his hands, to have his eyes trained and moving so that his mind would not wander off. The pain was still visceral, and there were certain points where his breathing would hitch and his voice would cut out and he would have to excuse himself to the nearest restroom to splash water on his splotchy cheeks.

The week after that was numb. Kylo threw himself into his planning, as well as his artwork. They had more than enough work, he had somehow managed to pull off what no one expected to work out due to the rapidness of it and Kylo’s obvious mental break. But he planned the most extravagant night of artwork of his career with little to no help, just the constant need to be doing something other than thinking.

When everything was cemented, he was still not content. The walls, he claimed, should be teeming with life, so much that it almost overstimulates the guests. His assistants and curators said nothing, only watched in blind confusion as Kylo brought in a brand new piece of his own every morning that he had worked on until his alarm rang.

“Sir,” his main assistant followed him quickly down the hall, heels clicking against the linoleum, Kylo heard music in the noise, “Sir, are you sure you don’t want to take the afternoon-”

“I’m fine,” Kylo sang out, his vision blurring slightly, “Is the catering in proper order?”

His rapid fire questions were answered with ease, and Kylo shot fingerguns at his subordinates before locking himself in his office. He slipped into his desk chair, rummaging through his e-mail as a means of a break. 

When he saw Poe’s name flash on the screen, his mind short circuted momentarily. Kylo opened the message to get it out of his unread inbox, and froze when the brightly colored picture spread across the screen.

It was of Poe and Finn, of course. They were dancing, wrapped up in one another with Poe’s head lolled to the side and Finn attacking his cheek with a kiss. A picture of pure, true love that they wanted to share as a thank you for everyone who helped out, the message inferred.

Kylo barely noticed it. Instead, his eyes were glued to the background. In his arms, Hux laid against his chest projecting a dreamy smile in the direction of the camera, totally oblivious to anyone that might be watching. Kylo’s lips were grazing the top of his head, a snapshot of a moment that Kylo had pushed from his memory the last three weeks.

Kylo shoved the chair back from the desk, standing up and moving quickly across the room. He needed to leave, he needed to go find something to do to get his mind off of how heavy Hux felt in his arms, how soft his skin was against that scratchy beard, how he smelled just like Kylo remembered, how he might have loved him for that flash of a second like he promised before he went running again.

All at once, he felt his knees crumbling from beneath him and his body hitting the ground.

The next moments, he did not remember vividly. It felt like watching an old water-damaged VHS tape on fast forward, the way his fists smashed against the floor and the feeling of his rising screams from deep inside his chest. 

Kylo threw the computer from his desk, and it smashed against the wall. The room was torn apart in his fury, a discombobulated mess of memories that he could not place in order. Glass blanketed the floor like snow, a mess of smashed photographs and awards that could not escape his fire.

The banging on the door was background noise to Kylo’s primal anger. The pain he had been stifling for nearly a month boiled over, and he could not stop himself from kicking the flickering image that still donned his monitor. 

At a certain point, he only saw flashes, like a strobe light. There was nothing that Kylo could do anymore to hold back the gut wrenching pain that had plagued him for five years, dealt with only in bottomless glasses of whiskey or biting his pillow to hold back the body shaking sobs.

When he pulled himself back, he was on the floor once again. Warbled voices in slow motion played out behind him, and he couldn’t make out the words. Blood dripped from his knuckles, his burst into reality shooting the physical pain from where he had hurt himself in his outburst. Between his fingers was a picture from the college days, a physical relic of Hux that he had never been able to get rid of. 

Kylo’s head fell into his hands, and he shook his head as he was met with an onslaught of questions. There was no use in justifying his actions, and he whispered apology after apology for his physical outburst. 

There he remained until he heard the telltale stomping of thick heels, rushing down the hallway. Kylo looked up to meet his mother’s eyes, and she stared around the room in disbelief. 

“Good thing you were already in town, huh?” Kylo laughed, his voice breaking.

Leia knelt down beside him, gathering the man into her arms. He shook against her, leaning into the first physical touch he had experienced since he came home. There was nothing he could say to make any of it justified, and nothing she could say to make any of it hurt less.

They sat on the floor of his office for too long, just wrapped up in each other. Kylo wanted it to be over more than anything, for the pain to just leave without destroying every aspect of his life further. Leia promised him it would pass, but her voice was unconvincing. 

“Let’s get you stitched up,” she suggested, looking at the gash on his hand. 

Kylo nodded, and allowed himself to be helped up off of the floor by his mother. They walked down the hall of the gallery that had been cleared out save his main assistant after the incident, and Kylo managed another apology in her direction before they left. 

“At least it wasn’t at the event,” His mother offered, trying to sound cheery.

Kylo burst into something that was a mix between laughter and a sob, unsure as to how he would pick up the shattered pieces of his life and glue them back together again. 

It was hours before Kylo finally felt some semblance of his sanity returning. He blocked out the majority of the day, trying his hardest to keep himself together despite every noise throwing him back into a fit of anxiety and rage.

“Maybe,” Leia ventured, when they were wrapped up in heavy blankets sitting on Kylo’s couch, “Maybe you need a break,”

Kylo ran his fingers over the bandages on his hands. Somehow, he had managed to mend his image to his coworkers, as well as it would get anyways, by citing a stress-induced mental break that would be addressed personally. After sending a long winded e-mail to his co-workers about closing the gallery until the event and doing the final touches from outside the office, he confined himself to his apartment to sleep the day off. 

Leia promised to stay for the night, even though it was going to mess up her schedule beyond repair. She waved it off like it was nothing, promising that her son was more important than anything else. Kylo felt guilty nonetheless.

“I took a break barely a month ago,” Kylo sighed.

Leia was silent, but reached out to pull his picking fingers away from the bandages. He offered an apologetic smile, and moved to fiddle with the blanket instead. Every move he made she watched like she was waiting for him to unravel once again. 

“That wasn’t a break, Kylo,” Leia answered finally.

Kylo laughed, shaking his head at the obviousness of his situation. He wanted to ask his mother when it all got easier, but knew that she did not have any answers. Instead, all she had was similar heartbreak to match his own. 

-

The gallery event was less than a week from Kylo’s total meltdown, and he somehow managed to pull it together just in time. Leia made some calls and managed to find a therapist that he felt was a better fit, got him on a healthier sleep schedule, and filled his refrigerator with real food instead of microwave meals.

Of course, it would be a long road to tackling his underlying mental health issues that had held him down for years, but Kylo felt some sort of motivation to get there. He kept a journal, and wrote down every negative feeling he encountered throughout the day.

When reading them back, Kylo was able to rationalize his negativity, but also put it into greater context in order to put some positive spin on it. For the first time, Kylo was not using unhealthy coping mechanisms, even if it was just a few days at a time.

He brought in a platter of homemade cookies for his work associates and offered a long, deeply personal apology. Thankfully, his small staff was more understanding than he had expected. In his time away from the office, he was able to still do work, but also delegated more tasks throughout the office so it had a greater balance.

The night of the opening, Kylo felt almost at peace with himself. Everything in his life was slowly starting to work itself out. It had been a month since he spoke to Hux, and he felt the urge to call him less and less with every passing moment.

Sometimes, Kylo caught himself wrapped up in a memory that they shared. It was difficult to separate the romanticism of the other man from the harsh reality of their relationship, but he was managing. More than anything, Kylo wanted to move on.

He was everything a host should be and more, and excitedly watched on as the people milled throughout his gallery. He stood before his own art, a collection named “Red”, and talked about the different mediums he used and how he had developed throughout a few very intense weeks of working when in a dissociated state of mind. 

Kylo spoke so much to so many people his mouth became dry, and he felt his hands start to shake. Taking a deep breath, he excused himself and stepped to a less crowded area of the gallery to catch up with his whirring thoughts.

It was going well, he promised himself, and his assistant shot him an excited thumbs up from across the room. Kylo evened out his breathing, smoothed out his suit jacket, and carded his hands through his hair to push it back. 

From across the room, he caught a flash of red. For a second, his heart stopped. Kylo kicked himself back to reality, scolding himself for seeing Hux in every person that he interacted with, like he would be able to piece him together through a series of others.

It wasn’t until the red headed man turned in his direction that Kylo realized it was indeed Hux.

Staggering backwards, Kylo hit the wall. Their eyes met from across the room and Kylo did not try to hide his surprise, nor his utter confusion. In the past, he might have played it off as a fun coincidence that he could handle with ease, but there was no hiding the raw pain behind his eyes.

Hux pulled his eyes away to look towards the door, like he was still considering his escape. Kylo let out a breathless laugh, and shook his head as he took a sip of water from the bottle resting on the table beside him. Leave it to Hux, he thought, to come in and ruin everything and then leave as if nothing happened.

Kylo did not look back, he was certain that watching Hux disappear through the door would kill him. Tonight, he told himself, was not about Hux. Tonight was about his own accomplishments, not some man that broke his heart again, and again, and-

“Kylo,” Hux’s voice broke his train of thought.

Kylo looked up from his hands to meet Hux’s eyes, which were shifting uneasily around the room. For a man that usually fit so well into black tie events, Hux seemed to stick out like a sore thumb. His hand moved to smooth his tie, and he offered a weak smile.

Kylo did not respond. He only searched Hux’s expression to try and find what he wanted behind his eyes. After a month of nothing, not even a text, he had suddenly shown up in Kylo’s gallery, at Kylo’s event, and walked right up to him. 

“Kylo,” Hux repeated, like simply saying the man’s name was supposed to explain it all.

Kylo smiled in disbelief, and stepped back from the table. He walked across the room, and tried to ignore the feeling of Hux’s fingertips brushing against his wrist as he reached for him. Kylo wrenched his arm forward, ripping it from Hux’s grasp.

“Kylo,” Hux tried one last time, voice pleading through the way it cracked with each syllable. 

Hux did not leave the gallery. Kylo stood before his work, speaking excitedly to everyone that approached, waving his hands around as he explained how tirelessly he had worked for years to finally create a collection that he felt so personally attached to. 

Hux milled around in the background for another hour before he realized that Kylo would not speak to him. He left when Kylo was not paying attention, and for some reason it hurt more than if Kylo had watched the footsteps he took to exit the building.

By the end of the event, he was exhausted. But more than anything, Kylo was proud of himself. He had somehow managed to put on the most successful gala of his career thus far, and introduced a lot of new potential business to his gallery.

As he began to help cleaning up, his associates ushered him away and promised to take care of the mess. Kylo could have cried he was so thankful for the appreciation, and hugged each and every one of them before he went to lock up the back.

Kylo stood in the alleyway, staring at the pack of cigarettes in his pocket. They were bought out of stress earlier in the week, but he had managed not to light on up thus far. His fingers twitched against the package before he finally sighed and tossed them into the dumpster. 

Making his way down the alleyway, Kylo thought about the way Hux stared at him. More than anything, he was angry for the other man having the nerve to waltz in like nothing had happened and try to confront him at his event. 

“Kylo,” a voice called anxiously as Kylo stepped from the alley and he spun on his heel.

Hux stood shivering outside of the gallery, cheeks bright red from the cold. Standing there he looked entirely lost, and Kylo felt the urge to help him. He hated himself for not reverting immediately to anger.

Kylo shook his head and turned the other way, walking briskly down the street. Behind him, Hux let out a choked gasp was still for a few seconds. Finally, Kylo heard the sound of rushed footsteps behind him, trying desperately to catch up.

“Kylo-” 

“Are you going to say anything else?” Kylo snapped, “Or are you going to ruin the sound of my name for me as well by repeating it in that fucking voice?” 

Hux let out a breathless gasp, and it sounded almost like relief. Kylo thought that it might have been better had he not engaged, had he not said anything at all. Hux fell in line beside him, stumbling over his feet as he tried to keep up while facing Kylo.

“I’m so sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am,” Hux blurted out.

Something in his voice was shaking, like he couldn’t piece together the words properly. It was artificial, Kylo convinced himself, that was why it felt so wrong. Hux didn’t have an ounce of remorse in his entire body, and he had come back like a demon to haunt him.

“I fucked up, I know I did, I just,” Hux shuddered, “I got so overwhelmed, and I was so sure that everything was all in my head and I was reading too much into it,”

Kylo would have laughed if he wasn’t so focused on just making it to his apartment building. Of course he chose to walk the four blocks, it was much more efficient than getting a cab or driving. Still, he wished the distance would just close so he would be rid of Hux’s faux apologies.

“Just listen to me, please let me explain myself,” Hux begged, voice shrill as Kylo continued to ignore him.

Cars passed them on the street, bright flashing lights on the otherwise quiet street. It wasn’t a particularly busy part of the city, but Kylo had enjoyed it thus far. Now, he was wishing that there was a crowd he might be able to disappear into. 

“Just,” Hux cried out, voice faltering, “Will you just stop walking and look at me?”

All at once, Kylo stopped in his tracks and turned quickly to face Hux. The other man tripped over his foot, and caught himself just barely before he went tumbling to the ground. Tears lined his eyes, more likely from the cold than emotion Kylo told himself. They stood in silence, staring at each other as the first signs of flurries began to swirl. 

“I never want to see you again,” Kylo spoke finally, voice piercing the silence.

“You don’t mean that,” Hux shook his head with a whisper.

“Never,” Kylo answered, void of any emotion. 

Hux’s bottom lip warbled, like he had expected something else to come from the man’s lips. He went to step forward, but caught himself and hung in limbo. Something behind his eyes was screaming, but Kylo was finished reading into it. 

“Kylo,” Hux hitched, “Please,” 

Kylo shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest and pulling his eyes away. He looked into the street, watching the cars zoom past and imagining that he was in one of them. If he had his way, he would drive as far away from this moment as possible. 

“I don’t know what you want from me,” Kylo shrugged.

“I’m sorry,” Hux repeated, his voice catching. 

Kylo laughed, bracing his hands on his knees as he leaned forward. It seemed as though every interaction he held with Hux was built up so much in his mind, just to be something miniscule when it really happened. Kylo stood up again, shaking his head and holding his hands up in surrender. 

“Kylo, I-” Hux started again, and the sound of his name coming from those lips he had spent so long wanting to run the pad of his finger across before kissing them as gently as humanly possible.

“It’s too late,” Kylo cut him off curtly, shaking his head again so that his waves bounced against his shoulders. 

Hux stood wordlessly, and Kylo could see the re-programming behind his eyes. Of course he was trying to find a way to remedy the issue, solutions were always his forte when they happened to improve his standing.

Try as he might, Kylo just couldn’t understand why he would track him down like this. Was it not enough to leave him in another country? To fly across the ocean without so much as a goodbye? To leave him with no explanation for a month after ensuring him that he would not leave?

“It can’t be…” Hux’s voice trailed off mid-sentence, mind working as he tried to process Kylo’s words, “You don’t mean-”

“You lied,” Kylo shouted, voice cracking before he slapped the palm of his hand over his mouth.

All at once he felt the carefully constructed walls come crumbling down, every one of his defences lying uselessly around him. Tears sprang to his eyes, hot with his anger and his embarrassment as they rolled down his cheeks.

This wasn’t him, he told himself. Not anymore. Hux wasn’t allowed to revert him back into the rage filled monster he had been when they were together. He wasn’t allowed to stomp all over his heart and laugh calmly from the sidelines as Kylo screamed and sobbed and tried to let his voice be heard over the ocean of hopelessness he was drowning in. 

“You promised,” Kylo whispered, crying unabashedly in the middle of the street, “‘I won’t leave’ you said, ‘Not again’,” 

Hux had nothing to offer, and Kylo scoffed as he moved to step past him. Hux reached out to grab onto his wrist, and Kylo yanked it away from him. He was walking quicker now, and there were no footsteps to follow him.

More than anything, Kylo wanted to turn back and fall into his arms. He wanted to be held as he cried, to be assured that nothing like this would happen again. When silence followed him, he knew he had made the right decision in leaving. 

“Kylo, please,” Hux’s voice came once again.

Kylo thought he would never escape it. He had just one more block to go until he was home, one more block until this horrible interaction would be over and he could lock himself in his room and scream into a pillow until his throat was raw. One more block and he would be free. 

“Kylo, please,” Hux’s voice was more desperate, his footsteps running down the sidewalk as he had fallen so far behind.

There was no turning around from here, Kylo promised himself, no running back to his old feelings. He ignored the obvious pain in Hux’s voice, ignored his desire for some sort of closure. There would never be any closure, he convinced himself, just looking at Hux sent him into a spiral. 

“Kylo,” Hux was openly crying, the strain obvious in his voice.

For half a second, Kylo’s footsteps faltered. He was not a man to show his emotions, especially not where anyone could stumble upon the two of them, or hear their interaction through an open window. Kylo wondered if the pain in Hux’s chest resembled his own. 

He kept walking. 

The steps to his apartment building were crumbling slightly, and he made sure to step around the divots where the cement had chipped away with ease. Walking up to his door, he kept his eyes straight ahead and his focus on finding the key in his pocket.

From behind him came the tell-tale thud of Hux having stepped onto a missing stair, and Kylo winced at the sound of his knees hitting the hard ground. Hux let out a cut off cry, and his ragged breathing cut out for a second in what Kylo could only guess was real pain.

“I love you,” Hux wheezed, “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I don’t expect you to give me anything, I just need you to know how much I fucking love you,” 

Kylo had his key in the door, and a voice inside of him begged him to just turn it and move on. Hux hissed in pain behind him, hiccuping from the tears that were likely streaming down his face. Kylo hung his head and let out a low breath.

“I thought I would die the last time I lose you,” Hux admitted gently, “I didn’t think I could handle it again… loving you, and losing you. I didn’t realize how deeply I had already fallen for you when I walked out that door,”

Kylo shook his head, whipping around on his heel. His nostrils flared, out of aggravation more than anger. Hux wasn’t allowed to spin this to make himself the victim, he was the one that walked out again and again and Kylo was left in pieces.

“You did not lose me. You were the one that walked out that door five years ago,” Kylo whimpered, “You promised me forever, and you left like it was nothing,” 

Beneath him, Hux sat clutching his side. It looked as if he had fallen right on a rib, and his usually perfectly gelled hair was in disarray. Kylo hadn’t noticed it before, but Hux looked worse than ever, like he hadn’t slept since the last time they saw each other.

Perhaps he wasn’t one to talk.

“You were so… angry, Kylo,” Hux shook his head, “We lost each other long before I left that night. Do you really believe otherwise?”

Kylo bit his lip, struck by the truth behind the statement. Yes, he had been angry. Yes, he had had his outbursts which resulted in their near eviction, yes he had punched a hole or two in the wall - yes, he had scared the man he loved with more than anything he had to offer. 

“I’m sorry,” Kylo whispered, “I’m trying now I’m… I’m going to get better,”

Kneeling down, Kylo reached out to wipe a few drops of blood from Hux’s cheek, where he had scraped it against the ground. The man leaned into the touch, despite wincing at the pain. Kylo helped him to stand, and steadied him with his hands on his waist. 

“You don’t love me,” Kylo shook his head, “You never did,”

Hux looked incredulously at him, like the words were spoken in some other language. He shook his head, and opened his mouth to speak. When nothing came out, he instead reached into his pocket for his phone, and showed it to Kylo.

On the screen was the same picture that had sent Kylo into a frenzy just days prior. It was the two of them, at the wedding, slow-dancing. Hux had zoomed in so that they were the only two in the photograph, much like it had felt as if they were the only two in the world that night. 

Kylo instantly reached out to touch it, to make sure that it was real and that Hux was just as caught up in it as he had been. When he turned his attention away from the phone, he caught the other man staring at the bandages on his hand. Self consciously, Kylo tucked it away.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you long before the wedding,” Hux murmured, voice tentative like he was terrified of saying the wrong thing and destroying the gentle balance they had created, “I almost called you a thousand times, just sat there staring at my phone like an idiot,”

Kylo laughed bitterly, wondering what could have been had one of them simply acted on instinct and so much as sent the other a text. Nothing good, he surmised, not before they had both grown away from who they were five years prior. 

“I have loved you from the second I laid eyes on you,” Hux admitted, “And that never stopped. No matter how long we were apart for, you were always there,”

It was difficult for Kylo to sort through his feelings. Just moments ago he was refusing the thought of even looking Hux in the eye, and now they stood so close he would barely have to move to reach out and hold him. Still, he restrained himself. 

“I’m so sorry that I never loved you properly,” Hux sniffled, “I’m sorry I hurt you over, and over, and over again,”

Tears welled in Kylo’s eyes once more, and he tried to ground himself. Nothing that Hux was saying would repair the damage, he reminded himself, nothing he could ever say would fix that morning of waking up alone and realizing he had left him yet again.

“You promised,” Kylo’s voice cracked down the center of the syllables, unabashed in his devastation.

Hux flinched at the sound, like it was a slap in the face. His hand moved to instinctively cup Kylo’s cheek, but he paused before his palm made contact. They both shivered, cold from the midnight air and the snow that swirled around them. Neither moved. 

“I know,” Hux nodded, and looked to Kylo with pleading eyes. 

Hux took half a step forward, one arm still clutching the side of his chest where he had fallen. Kylo eyed him, trying to discern just how injured he was. From the looks of it, tending to his wounds was not a heightened priority. 

“I tried to get you out of my mind,” Hux explained softly, “But then I got that picture and I just… I knew that if I called you and you didn’t pick up, I would just recoil back, wouldn’t ever get you to understand how I feel,”

Kylo narrowed his eyes, but found himself caught in the story nonetheless. Of course, Hux was charming, and of course, Hux had a way with words to spin them in his own favor, but there was genuinity behind his eyes. There had to be. 

“I went to the studio every day since, Kylo,” Hux confessed with an anxious laugh, “And when I found out you were having an event, I just… I know it was so selfish, I just needed to see you,”

A small pile of snow had accumulated on the shoulder of Hux’s greatcoat. All down the coarse black fabric, speckled white shone in the flickering light of the street lamps. Kylo’s eyes traced the pattern, trying to find the meaning of Hux’s words.

“You’re right,” he agreed slowly, “It was selfish,”

Like a slap, Hux staggered backwards. Kylo watched the hopelessness flood his eyes, like he had expected to be brought into the other man’s eyes with everything forgiven, like he had expected the chance to leave Kylo once again.

“Please,” Hux begged in a hoarse voice, “Kylo, I love you,” 

There was no answer from his counterpart. By their feet, splattered drops of blood stained the snow from where Hux’s lip had split. They were both shivering, but Hux’s entire body shook vehemently despite his obvious attempts to stop it.

Kylo wanted to turn and slam the door in his face.

He couldn’t. 

“Come inside,” he offered gruffly, avoiding Hux’s eyes, “It’s cold,” 

Hux’s eyes flashed with something renowned, and he followed silently as Kylo jammed the key sideways and led the two of them up four flights of stairs to get to his door. By the time they reached the top, Hux was sucking in loud, gasping breaths for air. 

Along the walls, Kylo’s art hung proudly from his earlier days, mostly before college. Hux followed the works, watching his evolution from anger to acceptance with each passing piece. Kylo did not admit that he had nothing Hux-inspired on his walls, as he would fixate on the colors until they turned into a blur of old memories.

Perhaps, by the look in his eyes, he had surmised that already.

“Here,” Kylo gestured to a chair in his kitchen, and Hux sat down without comment.

They were silent, an uneasy tension between the two as Kylo moved around the kitchen to rifle through his first aid supplies. The touch of his fingers was gentle as he cleaned the scrape along the side of Hux’s face, and the other man blinked back tears that he thought Kylo would not notice.

The blood stained Hux’s flushed cheeks, icy to the touch. Kylo was relentless in dabbing it away, as well as rubbing some warmth back into them. Their eyes met in fleeting glances before one would look away, anxious in getting caught staring just a second too long. 

After the cloth was thrown to the side to be washed up the next day, Kylo urged Hux to remove his coat and suit jacket so that the damage to his ribs could be seen. The white button up was un-buttoned quickly, and Kylo tried not to stare at the pale skin revealed beneath it.

Instinctively, his hand reached out to trace the expanse of Hux’s chest, a thousand memories caught up in every square inch of his body. A bruise already began to bloom where he had fallen, and Hux sucked in a sharp breath when Kylo pressed down just a little too hard.

“S’not broken,” Hux mumbled, “I’ve felt broken ribs before,” 

“Still,” Kylo offered, eyes caught on the wounded patch.

“I just need some rest,” the other replied, his voice one word away from falling apart by the sound of it.

Kylo ripped his hand back, yanked into reality. Of course, he reminded himself, Hux was not staying for the night. This was a courtesy to him, and then Kylo was to throw himself right back into the plan of forgetting all about the other man.

In the dim light of the kitchen, Hux looked more vulnerable than he had ever seen him. There was something timid in the man that was usually so sure of himself. Kylo hated it. 

“Right, I’ll…” Kylo’s jammed his hands into his pockets, “I’ll call you a-”

His voice cut out as he looked towards the window. The building snow that had surrounded them barely half an hour before had reached its peak, by the looks of it. Kylo could barely see a foot ahead of the glass, let alone down into the street. 

Hux let out a choked laugh, like he couldn’t believe the luck bestowed upon him. Kylo realized suddenly that the other man assumed he would throw him onto the street in the storm, like his rejection was final and unbending. 

“You can stay,” Kylo found himself offering, “There’s no sense in… I have a spare room,”

Hux did not move, only thanked Kylo quietly. Now, his eyes were fixed unabashedly on the man, trying to figure him out. Three weeks prior, Kylo would have taken Hux back the second he walked into that gallery. Something felt different now. 

He led the other into the spare room, lending him some pajamas and extra blankets. Hux looked around the room, glance fleeting in Kylo’s direction. Without another word, Kylo closed the door behind him and walked across the hall.

Sleep did not come. In his mind, his only thought was the man across the hallway. They were so close, just like in his Uncle Luke’s house. Only a matter of feet separated him from the man Kylo still loved so deeply and so truly, but he couldn’t bring himself to close that distance. 

Five years apart. He thought about the five years he had spent begging to whatever higher power there might be for a second chance, to really see if he was romanticizing a mediocre past or if he had lost the love of his life, the one man he truly would spend every moment of the rest of his life with.

And there Kylo laid, he realized, wasting it. 

Hux was less than ten feet away, just a few steps away from being in his arms once again. He thought about the pain in his eyes when he told him how he felt, the rapid thumping of his heart every time Kylo’s fingers ghosted across his skin.

His stomach dropped when he thought about waking up the next morning alone, with Hux having left without Kylo having time to sort through his feelings. Letting out a choked gasp, Kylo threw his blankets back and leapt from his bed.

Feet sliding across the hardwood floor, Kylo nearly slammed into his door as he twisted the knob and wrenched it open. There was no plan in his head, no words to try to explain to Hux the fear that he felt stretching to every part of his body that paralyzed him for so long, but not anymore.

Hux stood before him, shaking arm raised with his fist clenched like he was about to knock.

Their eyes met, and Kylo was smacked with the wave of feelings he had been stifling, nearly collapsing under the sudden weight of his anxiety, and happiness, and anger, and hope. Hux’s mouth opened, trying to find the words.

“Kylo,” his voice shook, “I’m so sorr-”

Hux’s voice was cut off with the clash of Kylo’s lips against his. He let out a surprised noise, like he it was the last thing he expected. After the initial shock wore off, Hux surged forward to return the kiss hungrily, making the most out of every second.

Kylo’s hands came up to hold Hux’s face, gentle and conscious of the fact of the other man’s injury despite his passion. Hux grabbed onto his hips, pulling Kylo impossibly closer. For just a second, there was nothing but the feeling of the two wrapped up in one another.

It was unclear when they pulled apart, everything happened so fast. Kylo struggled to catch his breath as his forehead rested against Hux’s, his hands still cupped around the other man’s cheeks. The pad of his thumb traced the outer corner of the bandage adorning the other man’s face, and he kept his eyes closed tightly out of fear of what he might see.

“Kylo,” Hux murmured against him, lips turning to trace the tip of his nose.

After thirty seconds of silence, Kylo worked up the courage to open his eyes. Hux was staring at him, waiting for anything that the other would give him. The grip he held on Kylo’s hips was tighter than anything the man had experienced in a long time, and even if it sent sprouts of pain shooting up his back he was thankful for it. 

Tears flowed freely from Hux’s eyes as he tried to find his place amidst everything. There was fear in his gaze, like he was so certain that Kylo would turn around and take back the feelings he had projected, like it was his turn to be hurt again.

“I hate you,” Kylo whispered through clenched teeth.

Hux let out a sob, his body nearly collapsing under the weight of the words. Kylo caught him and held him steadily, pulling him closer to look him in the eyes. His vision was blurred from his tears and how exhausted he felt, but he kept on.

“Tell me again,” Kylo whispered, “Tell me you…”

His voice trailed off, desperate for Hux to understand his meaning. It took a moment, but Hux finally grasped the lack of animosity in his voice. Kylo was desperate, trying to place his feelings amidst the flurry, trying to find sincerity in Hux’s confession.

Hux pulled back slightly, and loosened his grip on Kylo’s hips. Where his fingers had previously clung to burned, but it was difficult to notice as the moving touch was traced to cup Kylo’s face more gently than he had ever been held before.

“I love you,” Hux promised him, voice low but steady, “More than anything in this world, I love you,” 

Kylo laughed to hide the cries, letting himself be pulled into Hux’s arms. With his face buried in the crook of Hux’s shoulder, they stood swaying and holding each other for an unmeasurable amount of time. Outside, the wind howled and roared, but the only noise Kylo could focus on was the beating of Hux’s heart. 

Their bodies sagged with exhaustion, somehow each one held up the other despite being unable to support themselves. Kylo staggered back, dragging Hux with him as they tumbled onto the unmade bed. Warmth still lingered beneath the sheets on one side, and they both managed to fit in the space that Kylo alone had taken up earlier. 

Hux’s fingers carded through Kylo’s hair, an ever present signal that he was still awake atop him. They laid in silence, too tired to find the right words. Kylo wondered if anything would ever be enough, if they would ever be able to fully forgive their sins of the past. 

He craned his head to look down and saw those big green eyes staring up at him. There was an explosion in his chest that shook his entire body, and Hux shushed him to soothe his anxious trembling.

“Again,” Kylo murmured, “Tell me again,” 

“Kylo-” Hux sighed softly, a tender smile creeping across his face.

“Again,” Kylo repeated, breath hitched.

Hux pushed himself up just enough so that their eyes met. Slowly, he leaned in to rest their foreheads against one another and the two stared at one another through the dim light of dawn. Kylo lost all sense of time, all sense of reality in a way, but that did not matter with Hux clinging to him.

“I love you, Kylo Ren,” Hux promised him, pressing a sweet kiss to his lips.

Kylo soaked in the words, feeling the warmth spreading through his body. Somewhere in the back of his mind he thanked whatever higher power for the blizzard, thanked the photographer for catching the two of them dancing in the background, thanked Poe and Finn for getting married in the first place, thanked every single person responsible for the moment he found himself in.

“Hux-” Kylo started, feeling the confession of adoration creeping up his throat, apologies for past mistakes on the tip of his tongue.

“That’s enough,” Hux assured him, voice low in his throat. 

Kylo laughed, nodding in understanding. There was time to talk, he assured himself, when the two had slept and sorted through what they wanted to say. Now, however, now was a time to hold the love of his life and thank every lucky star for reuniting the two of them. 

Still, something in him was uneasy. Kylo could not quite close his eyes fully, found himself watching Hux through hooded lids like he would disappear into thin air at any moment. Hux slowly relaxed into him, but Kylo’s body remained tense. 

“Relax,” Hux kissed the left side of his chest, directly over his heart, “I’m not going anywhere,”

Kylo nodded, unsteady in the promise. Hux seemed entirely aware of his mistrust, and attempted to calm him by braiding a strand of Kylo’s hair, like they used to when it was even longer. The two smiled, wrapped in the nostalgia that brought them back together. Kylo realized that their ties to the past were also what kept them apart for so long.

“It’s like we used to say,” Hux mused, his voice vibrating against Kylo’s chest, “Let the past die,”

Kylo smiled, his arms wrapping tighter around Hux’s waist. They eased into one another, and Kylo let himself go numb to the anxieties that plagued him. Hux rubbed the center of his chest, a hand slipped beneath the shirt that adorned the man’s body.

“I love you,” Kylo reminded him sleepily, “I’ve always loved you,” 

Hux hummed against him, nuzzling his cheek against Kylo. They drifted off wrapped up in one another, heavy limb entwined in heavy limb, hands clinging to one another like a lifeline. The sound of their breathing fell in time, and the swirling snow piled against the window to opaque the incoming light. 

When Kylo woke late in the afternoon, Hux’s sleep ridden body laid limp atop his chest. One hand was still tangled in his hair, and his lips ghosted across the nape of Kylo’s neck. Even as he stirred, he made no attempt to pull back. Instead, Hux nestled even closer and murmured sweet nothings through his sleep.

“Love you,” Hux sighed dreamily before slipping off once again, and Kylo gasped softly at the bursting of his heart. 

There was no telling what the rest of the day would bring, what fights they might endure, what obstacles they might need to overcome. The only thing that Kylo knew for certain was that he would fight tooth and nail to have Hux by his side, and he was willing to throw away the past to ensure it.

Perhaps, Kylo thought, Hux was right. Every mistake they had made was cemented in a day before this one, and there was only this moment in each other’s arms that truly mattered. This was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who continued reading even after about a year of no posting, I appreciate it more than you will ever know. I hope that I did the beginning of the story justice, and that everyone enjoyed the fic as a whole. Thank you for your kudos, and especially the comments. They really have motivated me to finish this work, and even consider starting a new one. I cannot explain how much the support has meant, especially those that have been so enthusiastic about every chapter I post. Let me know your thoughts, and if you have any interest in messaging me, my tumblr is "armisticehux"


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